Frustrated - 34 weeks

I’ll start today’s entry with my burgeoning belly shot here at 34 weeks:

This week has been difficult! I’ll start in chronological order starting with this past Sunday. Tim worked OT so I was on my own Sunday morning. I slept okay, but woke up feeling absolutely drained. Then Kaydriana was giving me a really hard time. I felt like I just wanted to slap her (which is hard for me to admit because it makes me feel like a failure) but knew I didn’t really want to because that would not teach her any kind of lesson. I just couldn’t take it. I burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying. I text Tim telling him I was loosing my mind. He called me, feeling helpless since he couldn’t do anything, and I couldn’t really articulate what was wrong, I just cried. So I got off the phone with him and he text me a few moments later suggesting I get out the play-dough or crayons to entertain her. It was then I decided I should turn on the Disney channel as that was an easy distraction (and one I wouldn’t have to clean up after). I felt absolutely drained, but better. Tim came home a few hours later and I laid down. I couldn’t actually fall asleep, but it felt nice to rest. It was then I started having some heart palpitations.

We were then invited to enjoy the sun and burgers at Asa and LaSheika’s, which was fun and relaxing. On the way home, I had more heart palpitations. That night I couldn’t sleep at all. My heart kept skipping a beat and fluttering and making me feel like I couldn’t breath and get enough oxygen. Kaydriana woke up at 4:45am and my heart was still going crazy and I felt very light headed. I googled what I should do and everything said for me to go to the ER.

Thankfully, Tim was home so I left Kaydriana with him and went to the ER (in my backyard). They do an EKG for like 2 minutes and of course the palpitations I’ve had non-stop decided to take a break while I was being monitored. Grrr. But they did tell me I had borderline dehydration, which could cause palpitations, so they pumped me with a liter of fluids. They also found I had a bladder infection. Here is a picture of me in all my glory – I was bored and tired of listening to the dementia patient next door screaming in agony:

I went to work a few hours later and proceeded to have palpitations all day and all night again. I did some online research and found that what is most likely causing my palpitations are stress (I have non-stop stress in my life right now) and anemia, which I’ve had all throughout my pregnancy. The ER docs didn’t ask me anything about stress or if I was anemic. And no website mentioned anything about dehydration. I can’t wait to get the ER bill for little to no benefit (I could have easily just paid $15 to see my primary care doc).

Tuesday – I start having non stop contractions because I had back to back to back manager calls. Awesome. My job is so freakin’ stressful, it’s going to lead me to premature labor.

Then the “big appointment” was today. I had my last ultra sound to see if my placenta previa has been resolved. Technically, it is. The requirement for them to call it resolved is that the placenta be 25mm from my cervix. And it is right at the 25mm mark. So Dr Case (the physician/radiologist) says it’s up to Dr. Graham to figure out the best plan of action. At least I got to see my beautiful boy – he is measuring about 6lbs right now!

I had my appointment with Dr. Graham scheduled an hour after the U/S. For weeks leading up to this appointment I was expecting to learn that I’d either need to have a scheduled C-section or that I can look forward to having a vaginal delivery. Instead, I hear that because it’s moved just enough to consider it resolved, but still too close for comfort, that we’ll just have to wait and see how things go when I go into labor. If I bleed too much, they’ll wheel me in for an emergency C-section. That is what really got to me. I know that even if they gave me the all clear for a vaginal delivery, there is always the possibility of having a C-section. And if Dr. Graham told me I’d have to have a c-section for sure, I was looking at the bright side, that at least I’d know when Lake was coming and can arrange care for Kaydriana and make sure that Tim would be there for me. So now I don’t get the benefit of having the security of knowing the date and I don’t have the assurance that everything will be ok when I go into labor naturally. I wanted to burst into tears, but I held it together because there were other things that I needed to talk to Dr. Graham about like managing my stress. I told her about my palpitations and contractions. She said that there are anti-depressant drugs that are okay to take during pregnancy that could help with stress, but she’d want me to see a counselor first. Well, I know what is causing me stress: 1. Work! 2. Tim’s work schedule 3. An almost 2 year old at home. I don’t need a counselor for that. And I do NOT want to take any drugs. I asked if it’s okay if I start going for walks as exercise has always helped me with stress, but I had to be as restful as possible to help alleviate the cramping and contractions. But since the U/S showed that my cervix was still long and strong, it was very unlikely that walking will make me go into labor in the next 2 weeks. The reason why she mentioned 2 weeks is because any progress towards labor before I hit 36 weeks would be a big concern. So at this point walks are okay. She also said, flippantly, that I could stop working. I replied with, “I wish!”. I knew if she thought that I should, she would have said something more towards the effect of writing me out of work. I took her comment to mean more like quitting my job. Well, obviously unless I won the lotto, that’s not an option.  But I’m going to start going on walks each day and see if I feel like that helps with managing my stress.

After talking with my cousin and my boss, I’m reminded (yet again!) that I should be giving this to God. Danielle pointed out that God has already provided for us in this situation, considering Tim has earned some paid time off to be able to be home with me for a week after the baby is born. And Jamie, who knows very well how I hold onto stressful things, reminded me I just need to let things go and give them to God. I thought I was since I had been praying that if I learned that I have to have a c-section that God give me a peace about it. But in hindsight, I was asking for a specific scenario. I’m such a control freak. I need to give it ALL to God, just not what I want to give up to Him. Thankfully, God has placed people in my life to remind me of how big HE is J

So besides letting go of the things I have no control over, I did decide that I will talk to Dr. Graham about my concerns regarding Tim’s work schedule and having someone available to watch Kaydriana and see if she’d be willing to just go ahead and schedule me a C-section. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

On a totally different note, yesterday operation, “Potty Train Kaydriana” commenced. After having her diaper-less for an hour and her sitting on the potty, then getting up and dancing and singing, she started peeing on the floor and I quickly got her onto her potty where a few drops went in. The potty started singing (as it’s designed to do when deposit is made) and I tried to explain to Kaydriana that was a really good try. I don’t think she really gets it, but we’ll keep at it!