The End...

Before you read, please know this is mostly post about breast feeding. There, you’ve been warned ;)

I realized last night that it has now been a week since I last nursed Lake. So I guess that is the end of our special little arrangement. We officially made it 16.5 months. I knew I wanted to do extended breastfeeding (past a year) but wasn’t sure exactly when I wanted to stop, other than knowing I didn’t want to go past October.

I’ve had some bumps in the road with nursing Lake. The most painful was when he had thrush (yeast infection) in his mouth and passed it along to me. That was painful!

Then the biting. Oh boy! I knew his incoming teeth were hurting him, but mommy is not a good teething toy! Then as he got older, holding him at the right angle would cause strain on my neck and shoulders (already a sensitive area for me) and he nursed with such force that it was painful. Lets not forget about the hitting and slapping me and getting frustrated when my supply had dropped.

But even with those little bumps, I loved every minute we had together. My favorite moments were when I was putting him to sleep. Our routine for almost a year was, I’d get off of work, take him upstairs, change his diaper, get his PJs on then nurse him to sleep. It was my down time and my connection time with Lake. I didn’t let Kaydriana fall asleep at the boob because I didn’t want her to be dependent on that being the only way she’d go to sleep, but with Lake, I treasured this little routine of ours. And ultimately, Lake now goes to sleep on his own, so I don’t regret my choices.

Two weeks ago, I was getting to the point where I could go 24-48 hours with nursing him. I felt like I didn’t really get to say good-bye, so I tried to call him over for one last nursing session. He was ignoring me, so I undid my nursing bra strap (which has a distinct sound) and he looked right at me, got the biggest smile on his face and literally squealed in delight as he ran over to me. I’ll never forget his joy!

I ended up feeding him one last time after that when he woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t get him to calm down. He was finally soothed and went back to sleep and that was a week ago.

I really think we could go longer, but I wanted to quit for selfish reasons. I want to change my BC, (many birth controls affect your supply) I want to start dieting, and really want to stop wearing those awful nursing bras of mine!

Lake hasn’t tried to nurse the last couple of days, but I do have to be careful when we’re showering because he has latched on to me when I wasn’t prepared! So I’ll have to be mindful of being exposed!

End Breastfeeding Post

Lake is talking and babbling so much right now. He’s added a few words to his vocabulary, but I think only Tim, Elisa, and I can decipher his little language. He now says, “first down!”, “Balloon”, “banana” along with the words he was saying before. He now uses “Mama” and “Dada” more frequently and is really good at signing, “more” and “please” consistently.

Kaydriana is dressing and redressing herself throughout the day. Even if I can manage to get her dressed before I leave for work, she is always in a different outfit when I get home and it generally involves a tutu or a princess dress. Next week, we should be able to get her enrolled into dance class.

As for me, the details have been worked out and my last day as a manager is Saturday, November 30^th. – Side note, looks like I’ll be working a 12.5 hour day that day L

I’ve really received some warm comments and many people saying how proud they are of me for making this transition for my young family. Many successful women have even told me they did something similar in their career and when their kids got older, they focused on their career growth again. My favorite comment came from an 18 year employee who said I was the best manager he has ever had. He’s gone through many managers during his career, so I take this as a very meaningful compliment!

42 days! 

Family Over Money

I’ve been thinking for a while how I wanted to write this blog entry. I realize it’s mostly my closest loved ones who read my blog, and many know of the conflict I’ve been faced with since becoming a mom 3 years and 4 months ago. But for the sake of reflection, clarification, and maybe being able to help someone else out in my situation, I wanted to post this.

I grew up poor. I grew up with more challenges than most kids in America do- from not knowing where I’d be sleeping next week, to not knowing where we were going to get our next meal, not knowing when I’d get shoes without holes in them, or if I was going to be safe from predators… Bottom line, if I was going to be successful in life, I had an uphill battle.

Thankfully, I had a very loving extended family that always came to our/my rescue before things got desolate. I also accepted Jesus as my savior when I was young, so I always had a reason to hope, believe and strive for a better life.

I truly believe God had a plan for me and lead me to the direction that I went in life. After the army rejected me (there went my college plans) and with my family getting evicted from our apartment right after high school graduation, I made the decision to move to California to have an opportunity to develop a relationship with my dad and his family. After 6 weeks, I moved back to WA and was so grateful my Aunt and Uncle gave me a place to stay. Next stop was a job. I had a high school friend that worked at Costco and at the time, they had the highest starting wage, $8!

November 11^th, 1999, I got a seasonal job in the bakery at the Aurora Village Costco in North Seattle. This was the first time in my life that my livelihood depended on my work performance, and I did not disappoint. I was only 1 of 2 people offered a permanent job after seasonal period had ended. Unfortunately, that was in the food court, and I knew I did not want to sling hot dogs for a living! At that time, I had moved in with some friends who worked at the warehouse and they had heard about an opening in the Call Center. Long story short, I got a job as a customer service rep in May of 2000. Before a year had passed, I had been accepted into the Supervisor in Training program and was offered a permanent supervisor position. I thought I was rich! 19 years old making about $40K! Fast forward a couple of years and I got promoted to manager at the age of 24. I’ve now been a manager for about 8 years. I won’t share how much I make a year, but it’s more than most people I know.

Since I was 18, I was recognized/rewarded for my hard work, dedication, and leadership abilities. I was so proud of my accomplishments. I have allowed myself to be defined by my job title. Actually, not just allowed, insisted that people understood how important I was and what I had accomplished.

When I became pregnant with Kaydriana, so many people asked if I would quit to stay home with her. I guffawed! There was no way I was quitting! I was going to be a successful working mom. I had always wanted to become a parent, but I was “big boss lady” at work, and there wasn’t anything that was going to change that.

Then she came. She changed my world! The first moment she laid on my chest and I just cried with joy. I was a mom. I wasn’t “big boss lady, Kristiana”. I was “mom”. Over the next 3.5 months, I tried to figure out if there was any way that I could possibly stay home and be with her forever. Unfortunately, short of winning the lottery that wasn’t a possibility.

I entered the world of going to work each day, leaving my heart at home. It took a while, but I finally adjusted to the reality that I had to remain in my current position/pay at work to make ends meet. About a year after my return, I found out I was pregnant again. I fully anticipated being able to make some big changes to my career after the birth of our son, because no way could we afford day care ($2310 a month!) for two kids. Turns out, I couldn’t afford not to. But if I thought it was hard leaving Kaydriana for 45+ hours a week, it was doubly hard to leave both kids. My first day back was 10/1/12.  For the past year, I haven’t been home to cook my family dinner or eat with them. I’ve rushed them out the door each morning and within minutes of walking in the door at night, I was putting Lake to sleep. I run a marathon from 530 AM to 830 PM each day, with the majority of that time with not nearly enough sleep.

Now here we are today: Tim has finally reached his goal of working for the city of Bellevue where the pay and the possibilities are much better. With his better pay, and the fact that in one month, we’ll be almost completely out of debt, I get some freedom with my choice of position at work.

I would very much like to be able to go part time, but we’re not quite there yet. However, I am able to take a step down to a supervisor position, which I’ve negotiated with my bosses to become affective in January (Shhhh… this has not been shared with anyone else at work). My pay will be cut by more than half of what I make now, but my responsibilities will be much, much less. I will be able to work just 40 hours a week, take breaks and lunches, leave my work at work, not wake up to anxiety, not have to answer to employees or members, not have to work 12 hour days during the holidays or bad weather, get off earlier, not have to read my work emails at home, not have to come in when I’m sick, and have more quality time with my family. I’ll be home in time to make and eat dinner with my family and not work on the weekends.

For nearly 11 years I had worked so hard to move up as quickly as I could in the company. Now my greatest role and my greatest passion is being a mother to my children. It’s a difficult mindset for me to no longer be the boss, but since making this decision official a few days ago, I feel the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I have a joy and an outlook that I haven’t had since I can remember.

With Tim and I both now having good paying jobs, I know I’m stepping away from financial security, being able to purchase nice clothes, getting my hair done, affording vacations, and spending money freely. But since May 10^th, 2010 my happiness and my fulfillment comes from my role as a wife and mother. Not my job title. We’ll go back to living on a budget, but I know God will provide for us because I finally have my priorities straight J