Take this job and...

Well, I won't finish the saying, but you get it.  

The first two weeks back to work were okay. I got emotional a few times, missing my little guy. I feel bad that I didn't/don’t miss Kaydriana as much, but she has always loved daycare and she doesn't need me as much as Lake needs me. And I need him. Even though I was tired at work, I kicked butt, initiating two new programs and feeling really motivated. I felt like the old me again!

But now I’m in my 3^rd week back and it is the WEEK FROM HELL!! Mondays are hard for me in general because I just spent two, very fast days just being a mommy to my babies. I come into work on Monday and my boss tells me that I have to do 2 hours of overtime (OT) a day. I thought I was doing pretty well. I come in about 15 min early most days and skipping lunch most days. I started crying at my boss’s desk. I already feel like I don’t get enough time with my kids and now I have to jack up our routines (not easy when you've worked to establish a t routine for months!), spend LESS time with my kids and not even get to see Tim in the mornings because I’m leaving at 730 when he’s getting home.

Even before this week hit, I could barely manage to brush my teeth before falling into bed after I get the kids to sleep.  Its even worse this week. I had to finish my make up at work, drop the kids off in their PJs, Thursday I didn’t do my hair (thankfully, I was able to make a little ponytail nub). I had to cancel my two lunches I had scheduled this week with friends. The only “breaks” I get are when I pump. While it’s relaxing, it’s not a break.

Wednesday took the cake. I had two angry, demanding member issues that escalated to me. I spent over 2.5 hours on one issue, even though he didn’t deserve anything special. He was just a jerk! The other issue I worked on had me checking my email all night and morning outside of work. It’s all very infuriating. I keep thinking about how this is NOT how I want to be spending my time.

Thankfully, this week has driven us to start taking some action. Tim and I started filling out another home loan application to see about getting a new home. I won’t get into all the details right now, but the first step in me stepping down and going part time is moving, then figuring out childcare. Actually, getting out of debt is really the first step, which we should be able to mostly do by the end of the month.

Tim and I are both very ready for change. As long as I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, then I can hold on. Hopefully I can keep the anger and tears at bay long enough to make it through this rough patch. 

Back to work

Maybe now that I sit at a computer all day instead of loving on my babies, I might become more consistent with  updating my blog. 

Today marks the 1.5 week mark of my return to work. Maternity leave seems like decades long past, and that makes me sad. 

I don't recall me being as emotional with my return to work with Kaydriana. I think the major reason for that is the fact she was home with daddy and I came home during lunch to feed her. Lakey and Kaydriana's daycare is close enough that I could use my lunch to drive there, but I've resisted because I can't take a lunch at a set time, and Lake doesn't eat at a set time, and I feel like I might upset Kaydriana by coming and then leaving without her. So I get a little teary eyed when I look at Lake's pictures and hope that he's awake when I get home. 

Homecomings are so much more precious with two kiddos who are excited to see me. After my first day of work, I made a be-line to Lake to love on him. I didn't mean to make Kaydriana feel unimportant, but I know how much she loved daycare before and I figured she had a blast and couldn't possible miss me. I was wrong. I picked up Lake and she was all over me. I guess she had a blast this summer with me, and missed me. She was almost as crazy with jumping on me this Monday, after our first weekend together since my return, as she was that first Monday.

Once I'm home, I don't get to sit and eat until Lake goes to bed, but thats okay. I've learned to eat a snack before I head home and focus on loving on and playing with my kids. 

The most upset I've been since my return was last Thursday. I had a work dinner on Wednesday night and got home 20 min later than usual. Lake was asleep and I could not get him to wake up. Then the next morning, I had an all day conference that started early. I literally only got to feed and dress Lake and we were out the door. So 24 hours of no snuggles or play time with my little guy :( I got teary eyed 3 times that day at work. I was so sad. When I got home on Thursday, he was  asleep again. No way was I going to be able to go 48 hours without snuggles and play time. So I woke him up, and let him start to feed. My mom called and we're talking on the phone, and it was like Lake really woke up, and realized he was in mommy's arms. As I talked, he kept pulling away (making a milky mess) and smiling at me. I told my mom I had to call her back so I could get Lake to eat. Ugh, I loved that moment! Its amazing how, even at 4 months, he is able to let me know that he loves me!

Work. Well, it doesn't suck too bad yet. I do find myself being a lot more motivated than I was when I was going through the stuff with my dad, and the pregnancy. I think I've done more work this week and a half than I did in 6 months before I went out on leave :) Thats probably not true, but I'm just going, going, going. I've already created two new programs and had one one ones with each of the supervisors that report to me. 

Ok, back to kids. Kaydriana is as funny as ever! She really cracks me up! I love her dancing and especially the model pose she does, which is her putting her hands on the back of her hips and having this swag in her pose. I don't know where she got it, but I love it! Tim blames Toddler and Tiaras. Oops! We only watched it once, I swear!

Lakey is my sweet little guy. He loves to watch his sister. I try to keep her at bay while I feed him, because if she sits next to me, he's constantly trying to get a good look at her. He loves his big sis! Lake is rolling around like crazy and when you put something in front of him, he looks like he really wants to crawl towards it, but just doesn't know how to yet. His coordination with holding something and bringing it to his mouth, is getting better and better, but he still needs help a lot of the time. He does not seem interested in sitting up. Kaydriana was basically sitting at this stage, but I understand each baby is different, and he just isn't that interested. He loves pears and squash. Doesn't seem to be a fan of bananas. We don't feed him food every day, but when I do, he does a decent job of eating. I remember when I first started Kaydriana on food and I was surprised at her inability to figure out how to keep the food in her mouth. I get it now, and keep the spoon in Lake's mouth until he gets most of the food down his throat. I think he likes chomping on the spoon, since he's beginning to teeth. 

Well, I could write a lot more, but I'm tired. Bedtime is 830pm these days, since I never know when Lake is going to wake up. Most nights, all I can manage is to brush my teeth and change into my sleep bra before I fall into bed exhausted.