2012 In Review

What better time to look back over the past year than New Year’s Eve?

Tim and I rang in 2012 by getting bundled up (after he woke me up 10 minutes before midnight) and we ran down to the end of the neighborhood and watched fireworks from Seattle and Bellevue.

Between January and May there were snow storms, power outages, we found out the sex of our baby and learned I had placenta previa, I had a few baby showers, some fun celebrations we participated in, we transitioned Kaydriana to her big girl room and bed, had a lot of colds, ate a lot of chocolate, and focused on the upcoming birth of our son. Also, after a few years of seasonal jobs, Tim was hired on as a permanent employee for the Washington State Department of Transportation.

May 24^th, we welcome our precious Lake. His arrival was unexpected, scary, and amazing. One of the best days of my life was waking up, finally home from the hospital, and laying in bed with my son, daughter, and husband eating breakfast from Dennys.

Summer of 2012 will always be known as the BEST SUMMER EVER! In June my sister and her family came to Seattle for a temporary gig, which has now resulted in a permanent arrangement. Unlike my maternity leave with Kaydriana, I was out and about on a daily basis. I chose to keep Kaydriana home with us to save on daycare costs. She loved playing with her cousin and I enjoyed my time bonding with my sister and having her assistance with the kids. We did fun summer things like going to parks, playing in water (the Seattle Center fountain, lakes, splash parks, etc.) and did touristy things.

As the summer winded down and my return to work was approaching, Tim and I took two mini trips to the ocean with the kids. Seaside, OR and Ocean Shores will always hold special memories for our family. One thing Tim and I have never shied away from was getting out and having adventures with our kid(s).

My return to work in October has made me realize how much of a change I want in my life. Although I felt this way a bit with Kaydriana, it wasn’t until having 2 children that I realized how much more time I want to spend being a mommy. Spending all the time I did with them during my maternity leave made me feel fulfilled. Leaving them to go to work everyday makes me feel like there is a void; my passion is my children, not being a big wig at work.

The holidays were a blur, but thankfully they were captured on camera. And as the last weeks of 2012 came upon us, our whole family has experienced illnesses. Three weeks ago it was the stomach flu and currently the kids and I have nasty colds. Poor Lakey got the worst of it and was put on an inhaler, steroids for his lungs, and both kids are on amoxicillin for their double ear infections.

So, due to our sickies, we’ll be bringing in the New Year at home, with just us. I plan on going to bed, having Tim wake me up 10 minutes before midnight and we’ll run over to the edge of the neighborhood to watch the fire works. This time, with a glass of wine J

My hopes for 2013 are that we remain healthy, we get to sell our house and move closer to family and friends and that I get to step down and work part time. I also hope 2013 is the return to sleep year. All of 2012 I have not slept. I want to have energy again! I want to return to the gym. My vow to myself is that when Lake starts sleeping through the night, I will go to the gym at least one day a week before work!

We have one trip planned in March where we plan on visiting Tim’s parents in AZ, attend Mariners Spring Training, and take the kids to Disneyland. I asked for a week off in June in hopes we’ll somehow get to spend our 5 year wedding anniversary in Maui, but that’s probably unrealistic, but a girl can dream!

Many blessings to you and Happy New Year!! 

Our 1st Christmas as a Family of Four

After getting home from Christmas Eve dinner at my Grandma’s, Tim insisted on taking us through Candy Cane Lane in Seattle. We fed Kaydriana candy to keep her awake, but 40+ minutes into our crawl, we decided to abandon that idea.

We got home a bit later than I would have liked since we still had stockings to do and to set out cookies for Santa. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as simple as getting the kids out of the car and into bed. Kaydriana had this nasty chesty cough and when I got her out of the truck and woke her up, she started choking/coughing. So I did what my mom used to do and brought her into the bathroom with me and turned on the hot water. She kept crying, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to”. She thought I was going to give her a bath. Poor thing!

After we get her to bed and Lake to bed, Tim and I did the last minute Santa things and got into bed ourselves.

Both kids ended up waking up in the middle of the night, but I was able to get them both settled down quickly. At about 6 AM, both Tim and I woke up… no kid alarms. We laid in bed thinking we should go back to sleep… but we just waited until one of the kids woke up. First was Lake. I brought him into bed and fed him and then we waited for Kaydriana. When we got tired of waiting, we decided to go downstairs and wake her up. I video taped her, hoping to capture her excitement, but you could tell she just wasn’t herself. It took her a while to get downstairs as she was pretty groggy. She was happy to open gifts and has become very proficient in it! Lakey didn’t know what to do. He enjoyed the wrapping paper and kept trying to get over to his sister’s gifts.

Lakes favorite gifts were his giggle pet thing and his loud, sing song, bright thing daddy got him. Kaydriana’s favorites were Lake’s loud, sing song, bright thing and her camera. She was taking pictures of everything! She even copied me when I set the timer on my camera to take a family picture. So we had to pretend she was taking a family picture with her camera J

We then spent the rest of the day at Tim’s parent’s house. Lake was not his usual self either. Typically, he is very content and can play and entertain himself. He needed to be held and played with and had the hardest time going down for a nap. It certainly was not a relaxing day.

I guess I expected this magical day with a lot of joy and merriment. It wasn’t. It wasn’t a bad day by any means and I loved that between Christmas Eve and Christmas day we had a lot of family time. But, I went to bed feeling like something was missing. I guess my expectations were too high?

The only other idea I had was that to me, Christmas is more than just a day. It’s a season.

And being over worked and under slept (that’s an acceptable term, right? :) ) I just couldn’t get into the spirit of the season. My goal for next year is to not be in the same department/position I am in now. I want the time and the energy to enjoy the holidays. I deserve that and so does my family.

Tim sent me this very sweet email last night while he was at work:

I want to say how great it was to be as a family with our 2 kids and you on Christmas it feels good to be with our family in the morning, the wife I love and the kids, we may not think the same way but my love will never fail. Love you more today then I have ever. Your husband for life, love you

So I guess I’ll end my blog entry with this: I know I have much to feel blessed about. We’re healthy (present colds excluded), we’ve got jobs, a roof over our head, food in the fridge and lots of family and friends. God is good.

12/28 Update- I wrote my entry yesterday (the 27^th), but wasn’t able to post it until today. During my one on one with my GM, she said she will be putting in a request for me to have time off leading up to Christmas. She said I deserve to enjoy the holidays while I have a young family. Then, my director came up and my GM mentioned it to her and she said it sounded like a reasonable request. Ummm… THANK YOU GOD!! :)

Getting So Big!

In the past two weeks, some major growing up has been happening in our household! Two weeks ago, Kaydriana went potty in her potty chair. The next weekend, she went poo in her potty chair! We don’t do too much, “training” during the week since our weekdays are chaotic and daycare is aiding in those efforts. But come the weekend, she is in her big girl panties!

Lake has been getting up on all fours and rocks back and forth. Usually he only accomplishes launching himself forward on his face or pushing himself backwards.

He has also been sitting by himself. On Tuesday, Tim texted me to say that Lake had been sitting up for 15 minutes! He’s now practicing moving from a sitting position back to his tummy, but mostly he falls on his face. He started to army crawl last weekend.

It appears that Lake has developed eczema. It looked pretty inflamed and dry. I’ve been putting anti-itch cream and lotion on his arm and there is a little patch on his face.

So between his teething and I’m assuming, itching, he’s been a bit difficult in the middle of the night the past week or so. He finally did better last night. He woke up a few times, but only twice did I go in to check on him and he went back to sleep. The other time he cried for a few moments and then fell back asleep.

This Sunday, Kaydriana will have her first “performance”. She is singing, “Joy to the World”, and “Away in the Manger” with her other little toddler buddies with the church nursery. We’ve been practicing a lot. I can’t wait to see if she will sing loud, (like we’ve practiced) if she’ll just stand there like a deer in headlights, or if she’ll cry and run off stage. Either way, she should look stinkin’ cute!!

I’m still working 11-12 hour days. Our sales and orders were up 156% compared to last year and we had no way of knowing that was going to happen. We hired 80 seasonal employees and we should have hired closer to 140! Our phone on hold goal is 1 minute, and we were experiencing over an hour long hold times. So while I understand that the management staff needs to work 60 hour weeks, it’s almost killing me.

I know that I don’t deserve any special treatment, but I am the only person in management (including supervisors) who has a little baby and a toddler, and to add to my sob story, a husband that works nights! So my 60 hours is probably a bit tougher than everyone else’s 60 hours. Yup, I’m pretty much, “whoa is me.” At least I own it ;)

But, there are a few things that I’m trying to remind myself: this is just going to last a few more weeks, (even though my holiday season is already ruined)  I have a LOT to be grateful for, and that my joy will be full as I live in His presence. The theme for these past two holiday seasons has been JOY so I was delighted to run into this verse last night:

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand" (Psalm 16:11).

So while I have emotional break downs about twice a week where I’m overwhelmed with life (work, household stuff, lack of sleep and time, my relationships), the fog usually lifts and I can refocus and survive another day, another week, another month, in our current situation. 

A year ago…

I originally created this blog to share my experiences with pregnancy, trying to get pregnant, talking about my kids, etc. Since I don’t foresee another child in our near future, I see my blog evolving a bit to reflect a more broad insight into my life. So, I hope you don’t mind that I’ll be sharing more than just my kids, and complaining about work ;)

I purposefully didn’t share on here much about what was happening to my family this time last year as my dad’s final days approached. It was a year ago yesterday that we got the call from hospice that my dad’s health had changed and that if we wanted to be with him to come now. I knew when I visited him the month before, that it was going to be our last time seeing each other here on this earth. However, my step mother, Rene was there and my sister, who had just landed home in Southern California, promptly got in her car and sped (got a speeding ticket!) to be by our dad’s side.

I’ve always been the kind of person who puts meaning in a lot things, and one of those things is time passing. Like, I feel it’s significant that a year ago today, my dad was still alive. This Saturday, the 8^th will be one year since his passing. We’ve gone through the “firsts” without him. The first birthday that I don’t hear, “Happy Birthday Sweetheart” or read on the check he always sent that says that in the notes section. And there was the first Easter and Thanksgiving where I usually talk to dad on my way to Tim’s family’s house.

I’m so glad that I’ve kept voice mails from my dad so I can hear his voice. When somebody is smoking a stinky cigar, I immediately think of him. I know there will be the opportunity that some guy will be wearing the cologne that my dad used to wear and I will be grateful and sad.

We buried my dad on my 31^st birthday. It was an interesting day full of emotion. Growing up, my mom did an awesome job of making our birthdays special. We didn’t have to do chores that day, we woke up to a present on the end of the bed, and just the whole day was amazing. We grew up pretty poor, but my mom always made us feel special. Some say it might be immature that I want to feel like I am special on my birthday, but that’s just the way it is. I’ve done the same thing for my daughter’s first 2 birthdays and I’ll do it for both of the kids’ birthdays for as long as I’m alive (or they’ll let me).

Going back to my dad’s funeral, I wanted to feel special, but at the same time I didn’t. I just wanted to focus on my dad and forget about my 31^st birthday. My family did do dinner and cake for me and my step sister got us party hats. I loved that they cared enough to do that for me.

So… this year, my 32^nd birthday we are wine tasting on the 8^th. I’m glad that my sister will be here. It will be a celebration for another year, but we both will be thinking of my dad. And then on my actual birthday, 12/12/12, I’m going to be getting my brows done, lunching with my cousin and sister, and then getting a massage. Afterwards, Tim took the night off so that we can take the kids to see the lights at the Bellevue Botanical Gardens.

I know that I will never forget the day my dad died or the special day we buried his ashes in his beautiful garden, but life does go on and I’m happy to be celebrating my upcoming birthday with some of my favorite people. 

A Bad Day

I feel like I should share how bad my day was yesterday. Not that I’m ready to laugh about it yet, it’s almost comical how everything that could go wrong, did.

It started off bad from the night before. I worked until 8 and had to park super far away from the house, which if you can imagine, is not great when trying to get a 2.5 year old and 5 month old loaded in the car. Of course, once I walked up to my door, the guy parked right in front of my house drove off.

The next morning, yesterday, was extra cold, like windows frosted over, get your ice scraper out, cold. Of course, I didn’t notice this until I was ready to leave the house to get my car to move it closer to the house. So I get to my car, realize I need an ice scraper. Problem is, I haven’t had to use an ice scraper in many, many months. So I look around in my truck. No ice scraper. I drive blindly(ish) to my door and run upstairs, wake Tim and find my big truck ice scraper. I ignore the note that has been placed on the door as my reminder…

Get the kids loaded up and pull up to daycare...

(Oh, and let me not forget that I had ran out of coffee pods. Which meant, no artificial energy… okay, back to my story.)

...I reach over to grab Lake’s milk. Then it hits me. I forgot his milk and diapers, which was the reminder on the door as daycare had run out. I contemplated just dropping them off and letting daycare figure it out, but decided not to make my problem their problem. After all, I had to leave some of Lake’s breast milk at work, due to working late the night before, so I had to stay up later and pump so he could have enough milk for the next day, which I LEFT AT HOME. Aggg.

So, I put my seatbelt back on, make a u-turn and as Kaydriana starts crying because she doesn’t understand why we’re leaving, I start crying. I slept horribly (which is nothing new), still hadn’t had my coffee and now I was going to be late for work, which meant I would have to park offsite again.

When I got to work, I check my bank account to find a charge on my account from JustFab, which is a shoe website advertized on tv. Their commercial finally convinced me to try it out while I was on maternity leave. I thought I had done a good job reading the fine print. Uh uh. When I called their customer service to ask about this charge, they say that while there are no membership fees (which I recall reading) they do charge my account $39.95 each month which creates a credit on my account to use at anytime. So when I tell the lady, who was clearly reading through a “fabulous” script, that I want to cancel this and I want my account to be credited, she tells me she couldn’t do that. I asked again and she said that while she can cancel my account, the credit would remain and I can use it at anytime. So basically, I’m forced to buy a pair of shoes. Now if this was for face cream or something, I might have escalated and gone to management. But lets face it, I’ll end up using that credit at some point. But I definitely feel stupid being suckered, considering I manage a .com business….

I had planned on getting my car from the park during lunch so that I could go to the store and buy more coffee. So I run over to the building across the street in my heels and catch the shuttle. As the driver is pulling away I let her know that I need to be dropped off at the park. She tells me they don’t go there. I told her that I had been dropped off on Tuesday, she said they aren’t supposed to and she can drop me off at her last stop, which is approximately .5 mile or so to walk to my car. As the realization came to me that I was wearing heals and it was freezing cold outside, I told her, “I wasn’t really prepared to have to walk as I’m in heels and it’s cold outside.” She flat out ignores me!

So as I typically do when I’m mad, I start crying. But there is a bus full of people so I’m trying not to lose it. I get off at the last stop, and I start bawling. Like audibly crying. Down the street. Through the mud. With no tissue.

I get to my truck, cry a bunch more, then drive to the store to get my coffee. I get to the coffee aisle, and start looking for my coupon that I had clipped two nights before, which I knew I had put in my purse. I can’t find it anywhere. Of course, cuz why should anything go the way I want. However, I get back in my car, go to put my cash back into my wallet. And the stupid coupon is sitting right there!!!

Get back to work and I head to the bathroom so that I can do something with my face. When I realize that there is no way that I can not look like I had been crying, I grab my purse to walk out. Something had fallen out. And it doesn’t just fall out. It floats under the counter. So I have to get all the way down and almost crawl to get the paper that fell. I grab it, crumple it as I curse it, and shove it back in my purse.

So while I realize that nothing was, “end of the world” bad, my ability to handle these stupid things was non- existent. But I feel typing this out and sharing with others is very therapeutic!  :)

Skip to today, where it started off fantastically, because last night, after reading my gripes on facebook, an ex employee of mine offered to let me have her employee of the month parking spot for the rest of the month. I didn’t have to stress trying to leave my house extra early and it just went smoothly all day. I also got to have lunch with my sister and nephew. And, I got to have my coffee too! 

Princess and a Pea Pod

I really had no other ideas for this title :)

Life is settling down in general. Work is evening out and our daily routine is becoming less stressful. In fact, last week, I got my first solid 8 hours of sleep in like 6-7 months. If it wasn't for the time change, I could have hoped I’d get a few more nights like that, but anytime you mess with a routine, sleep is the first thing to get jacked up.

Last week, Tim and I decided that we need to switch daycares. With Tim’s job threatening 12 hour shifts, and my schedule being as late as it is, we were looking at having to supplement childcare with a babysitter. Tim went back in to Kaydriana’s old daycare (which we loved for the most part) and talked with them. He negotiated them down a couple hundred bucks. It’s still not as cheap as what we’re paying for now, but with their expanded hours and ample employees, its just the right choice.

I was on the verge of tears with thinking about telling Candace and Steven (the couple we take the kids to now) that we were switching daycares. That was until Candace called me at work – the same morning that we decided to switch daycares. Apparently, Kaydriana was not listening when it was time to go down for a nap. Candace asked that I speak to, “my daughter”. I didn’t mind this piece. Then when I heard her demanding Kaydriana come to the phone and that, “her mother was not happy that she had to call me at work” and just hearing the tone she was using, absolutely broke my heart! The very first thing I told Kaydriana was that I loved her and then told her she had to lay down and go nigh-night. While I kept my composure, mama bear came out, and I had no qualms with taking my kids out of this daycare. While I might use an impatient and firm tone with my kids, they are my kids. They (of course I only mean Kaydriana right now) know I love them, but they are mis-behaving and need to be corrected. This was the first time in my motherhood that I have experienced this with my children and I did not like it one bit. If she uses that tone around me, what kind of tone do they use when I’m not around to hear it?

We didn’t ever worry about this with the daycare we’re returning Kaydriana to. They have plenty of staff so they don’t get burned out. Don’t get me wrong, Candace and Steven are loving people and I really do enjoy them, but as Tim has witnessed at the end of the day, they seem overwhelmed and impatient. Additionally, when I was excited that Lake was finally able to fit into his overalls, Candace made the comment that overalls and jeans on babies are her least favorite article of clothing because it makes it difficult to change their diapers. Ummm, what?

Anyway, Lake is growing and growing! The other day Steven told me that Lake drank 22oz of milk at daycare. I had been providing 15oz of breast milk, but my supply is dwindling and have only been bringing in 10oz this past week. I don’t have a problem with supplementing with formula, but I decided it was time that Lake needed to eat more food. We had only been feeding him oatmeal with a veggie after his evening milk. So I started brining in oatmeal cereal. When I dropped the kids off this morning, Steven told me that Lake seemed a lot more satisfied and is a very good eater. That’s my boy!! And last night I stopped swaddling him. He didn’t sleep worse or better. He still woke up at 1130, which he has done since the time change.

Trick or treating was fun for Kaydriana this year. While we don’t allow her to eat a lot of sweets, she got a lot of candy! Our neighborhood is a jackpot; so many houses in such a little space. We only went to 30 houses or so, but her bucket got half way full. I carried Lakey (our lil’ pea pod) around until my arm was going to fall off. Kaydriana LOVES being a pretty princess! 

Take this job and...

Well, I won't finish the saying, but you get it.  

The first two weeks back to work were okay. I got emotional a few times, missing my little guy. I feel bad that I didn't/don’t miss Kaydriana as much, but she has always loved daycare and she doesn't need me as much as Lake needs me. And I need him. Even though I was tired at work, I kicked butt, initiating two new programs and feeling really motivated. I felt like the old me again!

But now I’m in my 3^rd week back and it is the WEEK FROM HELL!! Mondays are hard for me in general because I just spent two, very fast days just being a mommy to my babies. I come into work on Monday and my boss tells me that I have to do 2 hours of overtime (OT) a day. I thought I was doing pretty well. I come in about 15 min early most days and skipping lunch most days. I started crying at my boss’s desk. I already feel like I don’t get enough time with my kids and now I have to jack up our routines (not easy when you've worked to establish a t routine for months!), spend LESS time with my kids and not even get to see Tim in the mornings because I’m leaving at 730 when he’s getting home.

Even before this week hit, I could barely manage to brush my teeth before falling into bed after I get the kids to sleep.  Its even worse this week. I had to finish my make up at work, drop the kids off in their PJs, Thursday I didn’t do my hair (thankfully, I was able to make a little ponytail nub). I had to cancel my two lunches I had scheduled this week with friends. The only “breaks” I get are when I pump. While it’s relaxing, it’s not a break.

Wednesday took the cake. I had two angry, demanding member issues that escalated to me. I spent over 2.5 hours on one issue, even though he didn’t deserve anything special. He was just a jerk! The other issue I worked on had me checking my email all night and morning outside of work. It’s all very infuriating. I keep thinking about how this is NOT how I want to be spending my time.

Thankfully, this week has driven us to start taking some action. Tim and I started filling out another home loan application to see about getting a new home. I won’t get into all the details right now, but the first step in me stepping down and going part time is moving, then figuring out childcare. Actually, getting out of debt is really the first step, which we should be able to mostly do by the end of the month.

Tim and I are both very ready for change. As long as I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, then I can hold on. Hopefully I can keep the anger and tears at bay long enough to make it through this rough patch. 

Back to work

Maybe now that I sit at a computer all day instead of loving on my babies, I might become more consistent with  updating my blog. 

Today marks the 1.5 week mark of my return to work. Maternity leave seems like decades long past, and that makes me sad. 

I don't recall me being as emotional with my return to work with Kaydriana. I think the major reason for that is the fact she was home with daddy and I came home during lunch to feed her. Lakey and Kaydriana's daycare is close enough that I could use my lunch to drive there, but I've resisted because I can't take a lunch at a set time, and Lake doesn't eat at a set time, and I feel like I might upset Kaydriana by coming and then leaving without her. So I get a little teary eyed when I look at Lake's pictures and hope that he's awake when I get home. 

Homecomings are so much more precious with two kiddos who are excited to see me. After my first day of work, I made a be-line to Lake to love on him. I didn't mean to make Kaydriana feel unimportant, but I know how much she loved daycare before and I figured she had a blast and couldn't possible miss me. I was wrong. I picked up Lake and she was all over me. I guess she had a blast this summer with me, and missed me. She was almost as crazy with jumping on me this Monday, after our first weekend together since my return, as she was that first Monday.

Once I'm home, I don't get to sit and eat until Lake goes to bed, but thats okay. I've learned to eat a snack before I head home and focus on loving on and playing with my kids. 

The most upset I've been since my return was last Thursday. I had a work dinner on Wednesday night and got home 20 min later than usual. Lake was asleep and I could not get him to wake up. Then the next morning, I had an all day conference that started early. I literally only got to feed and dress Lake and we were out the door. So 24 hours of no snuggles or play time with my little guy :( I got teary eyed 3 times that day at work. I was so sad. When I got home on Thursday, he was  asleep again. No way was I going to be able to go 48 hours without snuggles and play time. So I woke him up, and let him start to feed. My mom called and we're talking on the phone, and it was like Lake really woke up, and realized he was in mommy's arms. As I talked, he kept pulling away (making a milky mess) and smiling at me. I told my mom I had to call her back so I could get Lake to eat. Ugh, I loved that moment! Its amazing how, even at 4 months, he is able to let me know that he loves me!

Work. Well, it doesn't suck too bad yet. I do find myself being a lot more motivated than I was when I was going through the stuff with my dad, and the pregnancy. I think I've done more work this week and a half than I did in 6 months before I went out on leave :) Thats probably not true, but I'm just going, going, going. I've already created two new programs and had one one ones with each of the supervisors that report to me. 

Ok, back to kids. Kaydriana is as funny as ever! She really cracks me up! I love her dancing and especially the model pose she does, which is her putting her hands on the back of her hips and having this swag in her pose. I don't know where she got it, but I love it! Tim blames Toddler and Tiaras. Oops! We only watched it once, I swear!

Lakey is my sweet little guy. He loves to watch his sister. I try to keep her at bay while I feed him, because if she sits next to me, he's constantly trying to get a good look at her. He loves his big sis! Lake is rolling around like crazy and when you put something in front of him, he looks like he really wants to crawl towards it, but just doesn't know how to yet. His coordination with holding something and bringing it to his mouth, is getting better and better, but he still needs help a lot of the time. He does not seem interested in sitting up. Kaydriana was basically sitting at this stage, but I understand each baby is different, and he just isn't that interested. He loves pears and squash. Doesn't seem to be a fan of bananas. We don't feed him food every day, but when I do, he does a decent job of eating. I remember when I first started Kaydriana on food and I was surprised at her inability to figure out how to keep the food in her mouth. I get it now, and keep the spoon in Lake's mouth until he gets most of the food down his throat. I think he likes chomping on the spoon, since he's beginning to teeth. 

Well, I could write a lot more, but I'm tired. Bedtime is 830pm these days, since I never know when Lake is going to wake up. Most nights, all I can manage is to brush my teeth and change into my sleep bra before I fall into bed exhausted. 

10 weeks already!?

It's been way too long since my last post. I've thought about posting and what I'd share and what I'd title my potential entries. Such as: Newborn Narcolepsy, What Was I Thinking?, or Best Summer Ever!
I'm sure I'll miss a lot of what I'd like to share, but I'll start off with this: I love my babies!
Lake is amazing. He's such an easy baby. I'm sure it mostly has to do with the fact that this is not my first rodeo and I'm following the same schedule I used on Kaydriana, but he really is pretty mild. He never really cries (except for when I go booger sucking), he does kind of a whimper thing. He turned 2 months on 7/24 and that was the first day he officially smiled and coo'd at me. It was awesome!! He had his 8 week check up last week (at 9 wks) and he weighed 11 lbs and 10 oz and was 23 inches (If I remember right).
He is not sleeping through the night yet (which is 6.5-8 hr stretches), like his sister was at this age. I'm not sure why, but I'm not too worried yet. I figured he was two weeks early and takes a bit longer to hit milestones than his sister.
I find myself calling Lake, "Lakey" or, "Boogers". He's got wide open nostrils and I swear that kid always has boogs in his nose! We've never nickname Kaydriana because we wanted her to learn her name and allow her friends to nickname her. However, she has done the honors herself. She refers to herself as Ana. We're working on that one...
I just went through a roller coaster of emotions. I was told that I don't have to return to work until November 1st. That was AMAZING!! But I thought it was too good to be true and so I stopped by my HR department to verify and confirmed it was true. I was over the moon and knew I wouldn't even have to begin thinking about work or daycare for a while. However, today I was reviewing our finances and decided to ask if I get my full 100% of my pay during the FMLA and disability period. Turns out, once my 13 weeks of maternity ends on 8/22, I no longer get any pay! I seriously felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. I'll start using my vacation and sick pay so I can stay out until 10/1, but thats a month earlier than I planned. I know 4 months is still a nice long time to be home with my babies, but 5 months was waaaayyyy better. So I think that means I'll have to cancel some plans and really start saving and searching for daycare options. Ugh :(
Kaydriana is... well, not her sweet, loving self all the time. She is obviously getting older and learning a lot and wanting to be stimulated. She is also testing boundaries and trying to exert independence. Add new brother attention sharing and she has moments that I really have to restrain myself! She will out-rightly defy me. I'll ask her not to touch his binky or blanket and she'll get this snotty look on her face, look at me in the eye and take off with whatever it is I told her not to touch. This goes for playing with his swing when he's in there sleeping. She's the most difficult when I'm feeding him. She is very needy and whiny most of the times I am feeding him, where I can't do much for her. I try to prepare to make sure she has a snack and her water and can be entertained during the 30 minutes or so, but she'll still need or demand something. It's getting a little better now that the newness is wearing off, but there are still tough moments/days. And at the same time, while I really enjoyed my time with just Lake while she remained in daycare (the month of June), overall I love my days with both my babies and the special memories we are making.
Kaydriana calls Lake, "Cek". Not quite, "Cake", but close. She likes to help me when I change his diapers and wants to help burp him and put his paci back in his mouth. She's quite obsessed with his binky and will often times hide with it and put it in her mouth. She also loves to give us both hugs and kisses. I'm glad her sweetness still exists :)
I've let Kaydriana watch cartoons far more than I wanted to, but find it is necessary. I can tell when its gotten to be too much when she gets frustrated when commercials come on. She looks at me and says, "More!". Trying to explain commercials to a 2 year old is a bit pathetic, so thats usually my queue to turn off the boob tube and try to get her to do something else, usually grab a book.
She has also become much like her mom in that she is accident proned. In a two week time frame she fell while running and used her face to break the fall. That was a nice, bloody mess that may leave a scar for life. She lost her big toe nail when she shut the door right over it. She also had her first dripping down the face bloody nose. I think that was caused by her digging in it. We now have an army supply of band-aids!
Her vocabulary is really expanding! There is no way i can include everything she says, but some of my favorite phrases are, "Look at me!" I say that to her when I'm trying to get her to understand something and now she is using it against me :). She also tells Tim and I to, "Sit down" and pats the seat where she wants us to sit.  I also love it when she says, "Oh Nice! Awesome!". She learned that one from her daddy. She is getting better at her ABCs and when she sees words, she pretends to read by saying her ABCs. She also sings like crazy! Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Row, Row, Row your Boat, Skitter Mirinki Dinki Doo, and Shoo Fly are her favorites. Oh and I can't forget her new found passion for counting.
We've been having a fun summer! Having my sister and her family here has been great! Kaydriana and Reid LOVE to play together. They chase each other around, tickle each other, dance, sit and watch cartoons together and it is just so adorable to witness. They also love the same foods: fishys, Wheat Thins, granola bars, watermelon, and peanut butter (no jelly) sandwiches.
My sister was the first to watch Lake (she was also the first to watch Kaydriana :) ) and we've been trading off favors. I watched Reid for two days when she flew to ID for work and Tim and I have a date night at the Seahawks on the 11th that she'll be helping us out with.
The kids, sister, and I run errands together, play at the park, and check out touristy Seattle stuff together. We're planning a trip to Forks and La Push and tomorrow my mom is watching the three kids so we can just hang out together. We're going to see a movie and get pedicures and take a few hours off of being mommies :)
As for me, I'm constantly tired. With Lake's current schedule of waking to feed at 10pm and anywhere between 2-4am and then Kaydriana's wake time of between 6-7am, I really look forward to nap time. It doesn't always work out if I can't coordinate the kids schedules. Last night Lake decided he was hungry at 1am and Kaydriana decided 545 was a good wake up time. So I'm trying to keep Lake awake until I can put Kaydriana down for a nap. I need some rest! I typically drink 3 cups of coffee now.
I've lost 29 lbs so far and just a few weeks ago could start wearing normal pants (much larger size of course) that fit and doesn't hurt my incision. I still have 20lbs to loose and hope to loose at least 5 more pounds by the end of August when my sister will do our family photos. Ive begun to work out and have gone to the gym once. It feels so good to feel that burn. As I'm pushing myself, I feel like my strong lean self again. Sadly, looking in the mirror, brings me back to reality. I know I'll lose the weight just like I did with Kaydriana, but I'm being impatient :/
Okay, I think I've shared enough for now.
PS, I just had a 1.5 hr nap with the kids. Success!!

2 weeks

Today, both Lake and I had our 2 week check ups. Lake is doing fabulous! I was getting a little concerned about the amount of time he was sleeping. I mean, I really appreciated how much he slept, which gave me rest and time to eat, sleep, watch TV, etc. However, Kaydriana didn't sleep THAT much and with his 5 day check up, the pediatrician we saw (not his) said that being slightly jaundice can cause babies to be sleepy so I was growing a bit concerned. But yesterday he started to look less yellow and was more awake and today he's given me more awake time. In just 9 days he gained 12oz and is now 8lbs 3oz. I noticed that he is no longer swimming in his newborn clothes and his little face is chubbing up.

I've just discovered how much I love using a baby sling. I didn't use one with Kaydriana because the one I had purchased was recalled and I just didn't get another one. I ended up getting a different kind of sling and was delighted that I can do things with two hands (like typing this entry). I'm still a little nervous, so I'm being overly careful, making sure he's not going to fall out and suffocate. One of Lake's favorite positions is laying on my chest. He can sleep forever if I let him, and I really love the snuggling, so the sling gives us both a little bit of that comfort.

Kaydriana is really warming up to her brother more and more. She loves to help me with whatever she can with him. When he cries, she runs over to see whats going on and she always wants me to set him down so that she can touch him. She especially likes to help me with his binky, but thankfully, she hasn't taken his binky and put it in her mouth, which was one of my worries.

I've heard time and time again that parents worry about having enough love for their second child, but that somehow your heart manages. So I wasn't worried about not having enough love. What I'm surprised by is that it was possible to love Kaydriana even more than I did before her brother arrived. Before he came, she was my little girl. Now she is my big girl, my helper, a loving big sister, and I just love her more and more. It's indescribable.

So my results from my appointment: I got my steri-strips removed - yay! Those suckers are so itchy! I still have the desolvable stitches, but my incision looks great. I was pleasantly surprised today that I got to see Dr. Graham, my OBGYN that delivered Lake. When I made my appointment, I was told that she wasn't available and that I was going to see a midwife. I really wanted to see Dr. Graham, because when I went into labor 2 weeks ago with her, in her office, there was so much going on, that I wanted to talk to her about it. She was pretty animated (usually she is stoic) when she came in saying that she really want to see me and see how I was doing. She stared at Lake for a while telling me how adorable he was. She has two sons, so I knew she was a bit partial to boys. When I went in for my 6-week check up with Kaydriana, she only gave her a quick glance. We agreed that I was in the right place at the right time when I started hemorrhaging. Because I wasn't expecting to see her, I didn't bring in a thank you card, but I will for my 6-week postpartum. I just want to thank her for how she took care of me and held my hand and was trying to reassure me as everything was happening.

I got the clearance to drive and to go on walks, but still no abdominal work. Now, if the weather would improve, I could start walking. I've already lost 17lbs, but I still have a long way to go. She still wants me to take it easy with picking Kaydriana up, but I think I'll start taking her to daycare on Monday. She can climb into the truck, then I'll just have to pick her up briefly to put her in the carseat.

The last bit of good news I received was that my OB approved me to start birth control, so I got the deppo shot, which lasts three months and I can still nurse on it. That way in 4 weeks when I get the "all clear", I wont have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant. I took the mini pill with Kaydriana, and for it to be most effective, I had to take it at the same time everyday and breast feed regularly. It made me feel like there were too many parameters to make it work properly so I was always worried. I just hope my hormones don't get all jacked up, because I've never used deppo. Although, I think my hormones are jacked up anyway because I was sweating like a 500lb woman today, but it was only 55 degrees.

I have my first chiropractor appointment tomorrow since having Lake and I'm so looking forward to it. I feel like my car accident just happened all over again. But now that Lake is born, I'm hoping that I can finally wrap up my claim and start feeling healed.

Tim and I have been blessed with visitors and people bringing food. Ashley and Sarah came to visit this week (Sarah brought over some delicious lasagna and yummy chili). Our neighbors, Christy and Seth ask us all the time if there is anything they can help us with or if there is something from the store they can pick up for us. That was especially helpful, because last Friday was me and Tim's 4 year wedding anniversary, and I wasn't able to get him anything, so they picked me up a bottle of champagne and we enjoyed some mimosa's together. I've had other neighbors bring us homemade lentil soup, enchiladas with homemade cookies, and Christy and Seth shared their BBQ with us and brought me all kinds of goodies to snack on while in my room the first few days home. It makes me realize how important it is to offer assistance to new parents and I want to try to be better about that.

So I'll end my post with really awesome news. I found out that I don't have to return to work until November. I'm stoked!!!!

What a difference a week makes!

It's crazy how fast this week has gone. Today, at exactly 11:20 I saw the time on the clock. 11:20am a week ago was my scheduled 38 week check up. I didn't get seen until closer to 11:50, but 11:20am will stick with me forever.
This past week has been tough and amazing. I've had a lot of time to think and have had flash backs to that office visit and what transpired the day Lake was born. First on my mind is that I can't help but feel cheated. I think the word, "cheated" is a bit harsh because everything happens for a reason, but as I still get weekly pregnancy progress updates from the What to Expect site, I feel like I missed out on the last weeks of my pregnancy. Now granted, I was ready to no longer be pregnant, but it's just this lingering feeling that I have.
The experience I had with going into labor with Kaydriana and her delivery was the most wonderful experience of my life. Tim feels the same way. Since Lake was taken out of me, Tim and I missed out on the bonding experience we had with Kaydriana. We were both in shock with Lake's abrupt arrival. In fact, even though I got to kind of hold him minutes later after his birth, it wasn't the instant connection I had with Kaydriana because I was still worried about being on the operating table getting blood sucked out of me and wondering how much blood I had lost and if Dr. Graham was going to be able to stop the bleeding. I do remember tears of love and amazement coming from me, but some of the tears were attributed to the scary ordeal coming to an end. I don't think Tim got emotional at all, which he did with Kaydriana. I didn't have that overwhelming, heart bursting love feeling until I was home with him and he really felt real. I'm sad about that.
I've also been thinking about what if I didn't start bleeding in the Drs office? Knowing now that the previa was still marginal, if I didn't ask about having my membranes stripped and then having that vigorous cervical check, what if I started hemorrhaging at home (while Tim was stuck at work) or while I was at work? What would have happened then? I'm really not too hung up on those, "what if's", but just something I think about and am grateful that God had all of this in His plans and that I was going to be okay.
Although I share all of these things, the truth is that we are so grateful and so in love with Lake regardless how he got here. He literally sleeps 22 hours a day. The other 2 hours he's eating or pooping. I don't remember Kaydriana sleeping That much! He's a very mild baby so far and the last few days he's been making eye contact with Tim and I. I gave him his first, "bath" today. It was more of a sponge bath, but he did well. Just a little bit of crying and as soon as I got him wrapped in his towel he was happy again. We had his newborn photo shoot yesterday and other than the hour he was awake, he was a champ and cooperated well. Kaydriana did not. I'd be surprised if we even have one good photo with her in it. She just didn't want to have her picture taken and refused to smile.
Kaydriana is warming up to her little brother more and more each day. Two days ago she finally kissed his head. She and daddy have had a lot of bonding time together. She has been a little more cranky since bringing Lake home so we're trying to combat that by giving her a bit more attention and involving her with Lake.
Tim has been doing an amazing job with Kaydriana. I know it's tough on him that I'm not able to do much. We've had a couple of rough moments, but each day I feel a little bit better and so I've been trying to spend more time downstairs to take some of the attention off of Tim. I cannot imagine Tim not being here. Having to take care of two kids with how bad I've been feeling is beyond imagination!
I'm still in pain, but have been able to live without taking the percocet all day long. I'm still taking IB profine regularly. I've been having back pain, which a lot has to do with having a new baby and being in bed, but I wonder how much might be from my car accident and going the longest amount of time since my last massage/adjustment. Ive been having some incision pain, especially when I go from a laying down to upright position. The worst is the pain that I'm having in my lower left side of my belly. It feels like I have enlarged organs that want to fall out/detach. It's probably a muscle thing, I don't know. I have to hold my hand to that area, especially in the morning. I don't know what that is or if it's normal, but its painful and I look forward to my 2 week check up to see what it could be. The pain gradually dissipates through the day as I'm more mobile, but I know I'll wake up with it again.
I'm not looking forward to Tim going back to work next Monday night, but I'm trying to not dwell on it, because I could be feeling tons better by then. Two kids... gosh, it's going to take some getting used to!
Our 4 year anniversary is tomorrow. Originally I was going to work an earlier shift so we could go out to dinner. Now, obviously, we're not going to do anything. I did tell him I wanted a nice steak dinner with stuffed mushrooms, so he has that ready to go. I'm not able to drive yet, so when my neighbor asked if she could pick me up anything, I asked her to get me a small bottle of champagne. So when Tim leaves tomorrow to drop Kaydriana off at daycare, I'll get our wedding glasses out and set it them up with the champagne to celebrate. Even though I'll only take a sip, at least it's something. :)

Lake Markuson Morris arrived!

Well, on Thursday I was prepared to write my 38 wk + 1 day update. But God had other plans. I'm going to go into minute detail because I want to be able to remember every detail of the craziest 24 hours I've ever experienced!
I'll start off with the fact that I have had a cold since Friday. My normal wake up time over the past few weeks has been 330ish, but with the cold, I was waking up at 130 and if I was lucky to fall back asleep, I'd wake up again at 330ish. Kaydriana decided that 515 was a good wake up time for her, although the previous week she was sleeping until 630. Sigh... Needless to say, Ive been exhausted! I'd get Kaydriana ready each morning and drop her off when daycare opens at 6:30am so that I could go back home and get more sleep. I woke up a few times through out the night, but I slept better than I had the previous days, so I decided that I was going to try to muscle through the day. I got some laundry done and felt the need to reorganize my hospital bag. I also had some of Lake's clothes washed and sitting on his changing table, so I got those put away so that everything in his room was perfect. I guess that was the nesting instinct finally kicking in?
I got to work on time (in fact my admin pointed out I was early, I pointed out that I was actually on time for once :) ) I had told my boss that I would complete my supervisor's reviews that are all due in August before I left on leave. I only had one left to complete and by some miracle, I banged it out real quick before I left for my "routine" check up.
I wasn't thinking that I would actually go into labor that day, but I was hopeful that Dr. Graham would say I was nicely dilated and should be prepared to go into labor soon. But I thank God that there was some drive in me to get these last minute details taken care of!
So I run (AKA waddle as quickly as I can) into my appointment and the whole office is running behind. So after about 30 minutes of waiting, I finally get in at 11:50 or so. Routine stuff: pee in a cup, get my blood pressure checked, listen to Lake's heartbeat, etc. I asked Dr. Graham if she could strip my membranes. She said that because I was at 38 weeks, she technically couldn't but that she could give me a vigorous check. So she does, warning me that it's going to hurt. She says that I am dilated to 1-2 cm and when she removes her fingers, I start to gush blood. She asked if I was registered anywhere and I told her Overlake. She said, "well girl, you're not making it to Overlake, you're having this baby in 20 minutes!" I told her I need to call Tim and she runs out of the room asking for her assistant, Hellena. She said that yes, I needed to call Tim, but I needed her to hand me my phone. By the time she does, they have a wheelchair in my room and have me get off the bed to step into it. Whatever Dr. Graham had placed in me to help stop the bleeding came out and blood started gushing out on my legs and my brown suede boots (now garbage). The put what I call, "puppy pee pads" on me and start to wheel me out of the clinic area. I try to call Tim but my fingers are all shaky trying to find the right app. Dr Graham keeps telling me that Lake is going to be fine, that I'm going to be fine. I knew that Lake was going to be fine since we just heard his heartbeat and he'd been moving all day. I was worried about me, especially since I had the image of the ultra sound photo where Dr. Case pointed out that I had a pool of blood around my cervix and that I needed to make sure Tim understood that I had previa and had to let people know in the event I started to bleed and wasn't able to respond. So yeah, I'm thinking I could hemorrhage to death. So as I'm trying to call Tim, I'm praying, asking God to forgive me and to keep us safe (I truly thought that I could die). I finally call Tim, who was in a deep sleep and tell him that I'm having an emergency c-section and that he needs to get to the hospital right away. I have just moments before we're in the O.R. and since my mom doesn't have text messaging, I decide to text my cousin. But before I can, Tim texts me back saying he has to get a hold of his mom to pick up Kaydriana. At this point, it's only 1215 and daycare doesn't close until 6. I'm trying not to get angry, but I'm scared and had to explain to him that we have time to figure that out, he just needs to get here fast. The thing is, he just dropped his truck off to get serviced so he literally has to run to the hospital. I manage this text to my cousin, "immediate c section call my mom everyone's" and didn't have time to edit before we hit the O.R.and my phone is taken from me. I'm not crying at this point, I'm using my anxiety attack breathing exercises to remain as calm as I can. But it doesn't help when my OB and the anaesthegilogist are discussing whether or not I should be put under general anaesthesia if I can get a spinal block. They check my bleeding and decide I can get the block. I was grateful! As they are trying to put my IV in (they blew my vein, not once, but twice!) my OB is holding my hand. Then it's time to put the epidural in. I'm not freaking out, because I remember that when I was having Kaydriana, the epi was no big deal. However, I now realize there is a difference when you get an epidural with no contractions to distract you. They stuck me three times the last two times were painful and I had shooting pains go to my left hip and left knee. I yelped, but it finally worked. I'm still watching the door for Tim and someone finally tells me he is here and is getting "suited up". They put the sheet up and moments later Tim comes in and is holding my hand. I've been keeping it together this whole time and just want to loose it now that Tim arrived. But I manage to remain somewhat calm, just a few tears running down my face. I can't breath because the spinal block is making it feel like someone is sitting on my chest. Also, since I've been sick since Friday, my sinuses were so congested. I was really trying to not freak out about not breathing. Within minutes they pull Lake out, I hear a bit of suctioning and then I hear him cry and they carry him over to the baby table. They said he was healthy and Tim went over to take a look. They continue to work on me and I'm trying to hear what they are saying regarding how much blood I lost (found out later it was 1,000 CCs). I asked if I was going to be okay and Dr. Graham said that I will be, they just have some work to do. I hear suctioning and it takes about 15 minutes or so before they tell me they're working on the outside stitching/stapling. During this time they put Lake on my chest so I can meet my son.

Lake Markuson Morris was born at 12:57pm 5/24/12 7lbs 12oz 20 inches long. From the time I called Tim and Lake was born was the quickest and scariest 40 minutes of my life!

 I get wheeled to recovery where I get to snuggle with my son and nurse him. I also find that I'm really drugged up and that I was given morphine. I'm trying to figure out who Tim has contacted and who we still need to tell. I called my sister to tell her her nephew was born, but thats all I could really muster out because I was so out of it. Also, I realize that work doesn't know whats going on because I received a text that said they were in the supervisor meeting wondering how my appt went. Tim ended up replying letting them know I had the baby.
Tim's mom, Ivene comes and brings Kaydriana. She is so funny. She just eyeballs her little brother like she doesn't know what to make of him. She wanted nothing to do with me with all these wires and tubes attached to me.

They didn't stay long and then we were wheeled to our room that was going to be ours during our stay. While we're being wheeled through the halls, we see our neighbor, Christy who just had their second child two weeks earlier, hanging out in the courtyard and we waive at each other. Then a few minutes later, we see our friend, Veronica who works at the same hospital and the same floor as my OB clinic. I am seen at the Overlake clinic and she works for the Swedish clinic. Apparently she heard that there was a patient wheeled in for an emergency c-section and when she saw on FB we had Lake, she figured it was probably me. It was nice to visit with her for a few moments. My mom and Lee came for a visit for a couple of hours.
The first night was tough. We didn't sleep at all. I had these vein thrombosis things squeezing my calves every 2 minutes. Also, I was in so much pain. I tried to sit up and it hurt so bad that all I could do was let the tears pour from my eyes. I was not ready to start moving! Lake did well the first night.
The next day I finally manage to get up and get the catheter removed and those leg things off. I also got a shower. Tim's parents came and brought Kaydriana and because I finally had all my wires/tubing off, she let me love on her a bit. She got close to her brother, but still didn't want to touch him. My friend, Doug from work also came by and brought me stuff that I had left at work (since I assumed I was coming back from my appointment that day.). Then LaSheika came to meet her godson.
The next night we did get a bit more sleep. Lake loves to be on my chest and the best stretch of zzz'z I got was when he was sleeping on me. He latched on really well and ate well since the beginning.
I think because of how quickly he came, it took a while for it to really sink in that he was here and he is ours.
Tim and I are now home and I'm still in pain. It's hard being home in our bed without the convenience of the hospital bed. But we've got a nice set up and we're managing. Tim is off for over a week now and he is entertaining Kaydriana and I've got Lake. I'm trying to take it as easy as possible, but easier said than done!
Well, I guess I should finally just complete this (I actually had it all completed yesterday at the hospital, but had a network issue and lost everything :( ).
I'm just so in love and grateful that Lake is here, we're healthy, and summer has officially begun. No more work for the next 4 months, woo hoo!

This picture is from when we first got home and had Kaydriana crawl into bed with Lake and I. Crackers were the motivator here :)

PS~ the hemorrhaging was caused by the placenta previa still being marginal and not resolved like previously thought.

37 weeks = full Term – Not long now!

Wow, a lot has happened since last weeks post.

My baby is now 2! I took Kaydriana’s birthday off from work so that I could make her (our) day special. It started off with waiting for daddy to get home from work to open her presents from us and the gift that my sister and her family sent. I made her a photo book of her first birthday. She loves books and loves pointing people out in the pictures. We also got her a new pair of Nikes.

Then it was on to her 24 month check up with Dr. Schrier. Kaydriana is growing perfectly. She weighed 29lbs and is 35inches -75^th percentile for weight and 90^th percentile for height. We talked about her development and according to her doctor she is a bit advanced for her vocabulary and provided me with some things that I can do to enhance it further and coach her memory skills. After a quick shot in the leg (which she didn’t even whimper at!) I dropped her off at daycare to play with her friends and have a little cupcake birthday party with them. Tim picked her up around 130pm from daycare and we took her to Toys R Us so she could pick out a toy using her Birthday Club coupon and money Great Grandma and Grandpa Kane sent her. She picked out a Strawberry Shortcake shopping cart and a fruit toy that her buddy, Everett, (our neighbor’s son) has that she loves to play with. Next stop was Cupcake Royale where she got a nice little sugar high and mommy enjoyed a toasted coconut and lime cupcake. Mmmmm…

Daddy had to leave us and go pick up his new toy – a 2006 Ford F150, so Kaydriana and I went to Downtown Bellevue Park so she could play. We fed the ducks and then had to run from the ducks. It was pretty funny, once I knew she wasn’t going to be bitten. After we got home, Kaydriana opened up her gift from Grandma Rene that arrived. It was a great day!

Friday did not go as well. My back was killing me and I couldn’t sleep. I was in so much pain in the morning with my back as well as Lake’s position. Combined with night after night of not sleeping, I could not amp myself up to get into work. In fact, I was in so much pain, sitting on the toilet trying to do my makeup with Kaydriana in the tub that I started crying. I had my hands over my eyes crying and Kaydriana thought I was playing peek-a-boo with her. It was very sweet. I ended up calling my boss, in tears, letting her know I couldn’t make it in. Thankfully she was supportive.

I had an OB appointment at 9am and had my cervix checked. No dilation or effacement. And I was told I had to pick a hospital to register at. I had a choice to deliver at the new Swedish hospital in my backyard where I’ve been going for my OB appointments or go to Overlake in Bellevue where I delivered Kaydriana. It was clear that Dr. Graham preferred that I deliver at Overlake, but was giving me the choice. The two concerns she shared with me was that my placenta is still low lying so there could be hemorrhaging  and the fact that I have big babies, could mean that Lake could need special care like a sugar shot. I think she was referring to large babies typically are caused by the mother having gestational diabetes, which I don’t have. I pointed this out to Dr. Graham and that Kaydriana didn’t need any special attention. She kept saying she was sure everything would be just fine, but with Swedish not having a NICU and the team not working together for very long and that they’ve only had 200 births so far, she feels Overlake is more equipped to handle all scenarios like a well oiled machine. Needless to say, security outweighed convenience and I registered at Overlake again. 

After a nap I was able to be seen by my chiropractor so that I could walk without holding onto anything then I joined Kaydriana for a Mothers Day Tea Party at her daycare. It was cute. Then I went into work for an hour to close the building.

Saturday was Kaydriana’s birthday party at The Little Gym. My daughter is such a ham! She wasn’t really into the instructor lead activities, but loved playing on all of the safety- mat-gymnastic apparatuses! Then whenever the music would turn on, she’d run out into the middle of the floor and start dancing. She also would do this sashay thing where she just strutted her stuff. It was if she knew this was her party and was meant to be center of attention. Everyone laughed as she continued to do this. All the kids had a blast! Kaydriana got so many cute clothes and lots of toys.  She is so spoiled!

Sunday was Mothers Day and of course that day was special, although nothing will compare to my first Mothers day when I went into labor with Kaydriana two years ago. I was really hoping we’d have a repeat performance, but nope, still pregnant! Tim took us out to breakfast, then we played at Downtown Bellevue Park and fed the ducks again. After a nap back at home, we went to the Lyda’s pool (it was an amazing 77 degrees out) and spent a couple of hours enjoying the sun and water. I LOVED being in the pool playing with Kaydriana. It made me feel weightless and I could play with her without pain. Then we headed to Tim’s sisters house along with his parents. We enjoyed sitting out on the patio. Tim played with Lucas and Anna and I got to spend quality time with his sister and mom.

So now it’s Wednesday and I’m 37 weeks. I had another OB appointment and still no dilation or effacement. Looking back at my blog while pregnant with Kaydriana, I was dilated at 1.5 cm at this point. I’m trying not to read much into it as I know things can change quickly. But I just have this feeling that I’ll need to be induced. It’s just this gut feeling that I have. Oh well, I’m trying to take it one day at a time and trying to not take it out on those around me. And good news: I found out that I was negative for Group B Strep so I don’t have to get that awful antibiotic through my IV drip when I go into labor. I know it sounds funny, but the two things I hated the most about Kaydriana’s delivery was the burning antibiotic through my veins and the blood pressure cuff that kept squeezing me as I tried to sleep.

My next appointment isn’t until Thursday the 24^th. I pray that I can sleep and be productive at work with limited pain. The end is so tough, but I’m still smiling for the most part and for that I’m grateful. 

4 weeks til D-day!

36 weeks - I don't think this shirt will stretch out any further!

Here is what What to Expect says about Lake’s growth at this point, “Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. He now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long (However, Lake was already measuring 6.5lbs a few weeks ago). He's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected his skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of his first bowel movement."

We are ready for Lake’s arrival. All the important stuff is done. Crib is all set up, clothes washed and put away, hospital bag packed, etc. The only things we have left to do is take a tour of the hospital and find the second base for our car seat. Oh and charge the small digital camera… I should do that tonight. Okay, so I'm not as ready as I thought!

Tim, Kaydriana and I went to the Gymboree on Saturday with a gift a card that I got at my shower and purchased Lake’s going home outfit. Their newborn sizes only go up to 7lbs and considering our guy is looking big, we went with the 0-3 month size.

Friday is my next appointment with Dr. Graham. I’m not sure if she’ll do an internal exam, but I hope she does. I still continue to have cramping and BH contractions, which most are pretty uncomfortable. I’m curious if things are, “progressing”.

Sunday was pretty bad. I woke up at 3am with my hips aching and really uncomfortable cramping. I felt the same way I did the day I went into labor with Kaydriana. The difference being of course that with Kaydriana I was 4 days late when those feelings hit (she was born the following day). With Lake, I still have 4 weeks to go. So I knew I wasn’t going into labor, but it did not feel good. I took a bath and laid on the couch most of the morning. I was really bummed because church was having a special event I really wanted to go to, but simply couldn’t go. I started to feel a bit better in the afternoon, but worn out.

Tomorrow, my one year old princess will be 2! I can’t believe that awesome day she was born is already two years in the past. Kaydriana brings so much joy and laughter into our lives. She is so funny, loving, sweet, and feisty. I’m as excited for her birthday tomorrow as I am for my birthdays. I can’t wait to make her feel special and have a special day with her – I’m taking a vacation day. The agenda is to give her her gifts from mommy and daddy and Aunt Breanna/Uncle Will in the morning, take her to her 2 yr doctor appointment, (I know, I’m such a nice mom J) then drop her off at daycare for a couple of hours so I can go to my back appointments and run some errands. Then, I’ll pick her up after nap time, take her to Toys R Us where she’ll get her free birthday surprise from Geoffrey the Giraffe and she’ll get to pick a present using my coupon and the $ she got from Great Grandma (thx G-ma!), then I’ll take her to Cupcake Royale so we can both enjoy cupcakes, then take her to the park. Tim will join us for the Toys R Us and cupcake fun before he has to head to work.

Saturday will be her birthday party with friends and family at The Little Gym. We chose to pay to have her birthday party in doors somewhere because the weather is unpredictable. Well guess what!? Its supposed to be one of the nicest days of the year on Saturday, so we could have saved money by just having the party outside in our park. Oh well, I guess it’s worth not having to deal with the stress. And the party at the Gym really does look like it will be fun for the kids and the adults just get to relax as the instructor will do all the work.

God has been answering a lot of prayers lately and we have some pretty exciting prospects coming up in our near future. Because I want to be careful of what is put out in the world wide web, I can’t get into detail here. But things are falling into place where my goal of being able to go part time is looking more and more feasible. When things are official, I’ll be sure to post about it!

35 Weeks

Mr. Lake is making my "clearance" to move around a bit difficult. As you can see, he's sticking out quite a bit!

I feel a lot less emotional and negative compared to last week. I'm ready to just go with the flow and not try to control anything because I AM NOT IN CONTROL! The only thing I can control is how I react and I don't want to be, "Debbie Downer" for the last weeks of my pregnancy.
So I have a new attitude and am trying to enjoy the time I have left with the little guy inside of me.

I had a dream last night that Lake was born. In my dream he had a lot of crazy, thick, dark brown hair. Tim couldn't be there for the birth because he was working. But in my dream I was just disappointed, not mad :)

This past Saturday was my last shower (baby that is). I had a great time with my girlfriends. I absolutely love the opportunities to sit back and talk and laugh with the girls! I got a lot of gifts from my registry and was able to return a couple of things. So along with store credit and gift cards I got everything else we needed. We are officially ready for Lake's arrival!  We have his crib all set up, hospital bag is packed, nursing bras and pump were picked up from storage and washed, and by tomorrow the rest of our shipments from online shopping will arrive. So now we just wait....

At the shower, Kaydriana would not be upstaged by her little brother! She had pooped a little bit in her diaper. I knew she wasn't done. She made it pretty clear that she was trying to go again and Kim asked her if she had to poop. Kaydriana said yes and walked over to the potty (which is now kept downstairs). We helped her pull her tights down and take off her diaper and gave her a book (I have a great picture I'll have to post later). A few minutes later I hear her potty chair singing, which indicates she made a, "deposit". Sure enough I stand her up and there is a whole bunch of poop in there!! We all cheered for her which made her look scared, but then she realized we were happy for her and she kept pointing to her chair saying, "poop".
It was AWESOME! She hasn't gone to the bathroom in her toilet since, but she is getting better about letting me know her diaper needs to be changed, so we're moving in the right direction.

We don't have anything planned for this weekend since I work Saturday (my LAST Saturday shift!), but then we're gearing up for Kaydriana's 2nd birthday. I took the day off and I'm not exactly sure what we'll do other than go to her two year wellness child appointment. But we'll do something fun. Then her birthday party is Saturday the 12th at the Little Gym. That should be fun.

We just received confirmation yesterday from church that we'll get to have Lakes Dedication on August 5th, which is the weekend Rene and Jordan will be in town visiting. It will be really special to have them and Breanna there :)

Well, I guess that's it for this week.

Frustrated - 34 weeks

I’ll start today’s entry with my burgeoning belly shot here at 34 weeks:

This week has been difficult! I’ll start in chronological order starting with this past Sunday. Tim worked OT so I was on my own Sunday morning. I slept okay, but woke up feeling absolutely drained. Then Kaydriana was giving me a really hard time. I felt like I just wanted to slap her (which is hard for me to admit because it makes me feel like a failure) but knew I didn’t really want to because that would not teach her any kind of lesson. I just couldn’t take it. I burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying. I text Tim telling him I was loosing my mind. He called me, feeling helpless since he couldn’t do anything, and I couldn’t really articulate what was wrong, I just cried. So I got off the phone with him and he text me a few moments later suggesting I get out the play-dough or crayons to entertain her. It was then I decided I should turn on the Disney channel as that was an easy distraction (and one I wouldn’t have to clean up after). I felt absolutely drained, but better. Tim came home a few hours later and I laid down. I couldn’t actually fall asleep, but it felt nice to rest. It was then I started having some heart palpitations.

We were then invited to enjoy the sun and burgers at Asa and LaSheika’s, which was fun and relaxing. On the way home, I had more heart palpitations. That night I couldn’t sleep at all. My heart kept skipping a beat and fluttering and making me feel like I couldn’t breath and get enough oxygen. Kaydriana woke up at 4:45am and my heart was still going crazy and I felt very light headed. I googled what I should do and everything said for me to go to the ER.

Thankfully, Tim was home so I left Kaydriana with him and went to the ER (in my backyard). They do an EKG for like 2 minutes and of course the palpitations I’ve had non-stop decided to take a break while I was being monitored. Grrr. But they did tell me I had borderline dehydration, which could cause palpitations, so they pumped me with a liter of fluids. They also found I had a bladder infection. Here is a picture of me in all my glory – I was bored and tired of listening to the dementia patient next door screaming in agony:

I went to work a few hours later and proceeded to have palpitations all day and all night again. I did some online research and found that what is most likely causing my palpitations are stress (I have non-stop stress in my life right now) and anemia, which I’ve had all throughout my pregnancy. The ER docs didn’t ask me anything about stress or if I was anemic. And no website mentioned anything about dehydration. I can’t wait to get the ER bill for little to no benefit (I could have easily just paid $15 to see my primary care doc).

Tuesday – I start having non stop contractions because I had back to back to back manager calls. Awesome. My job is so freakin’ stressful, it’s going to lead me to premature labor.

Then the “big appointment” was today. I had my last ultra sound to see if my placenta previa has been resolved. Technically, it is. The requirement for them to call it resolved is that the placenta be 25mm from my cervix. And it is right at the 25mm mark. So Dr Case (the physician/radiologist) says it’s up to Dr. Graham to figure out the best plan of action. At least I got to see my beautiful boy – he is measuring about 6lbs right now!

I had my appointment with Dr. Graham scheduled an hour after the U/S. For weeks leading up to this appointment I was expecting to learn that I’d either need to have a scheduled C-section or that I can look forward to having a vaginal delivery. Instead, I hear that because it’s moved just enough to consider it resolved, but still too close for comfort, that we’ll just have to wait and see how things go when I go into labor. If I bleed too much, they’ll wheel me in for an emergency C-section. That is what really got to me. I know that even if they gave me the all clear for a vaginal delivery, there is always the possibility of having a C-section. And if Dr. Graham told me I’d have to have a c-section for sure, I was looking at the bright side, that at least I’d know when Lake was coming and can arrange care for Kaydriana and make sure that Tim would be there for me. So now I don’t get the benefit of having the security of knowing the date and I don’t have the assurance that everything will be ok when I go into labor naturally. I wanted to burst into tears, but I held it together because there were other things that I needed to talk to Dr. Graham about like managing my stress. I told her about my palpitations and contractions. She said that there are anti-depressant drugs that are okay to take during pregnancy that could help with stress, but she’d want me to see a counselor first. Well, I know what is causing me stress: 1. Work! 2. Tim’s work schedule 3. An almost 2 year old at home. I don’t need a counselor for that. And I do NOT want to take any drugs. I asked if it’s okay if I start going for walks as exercise has always helped me with stress, but I had to be as restful as possible to help alleviate the cramping and contractions. But since the U/S showed that my cervix was still long and strong, it was very unlikely that walking will make me go into labor in the next 2 weeks. The reason why she mentioned 2 weeks is because any progress towards labor before I hit 36 weeks would be a big concern. So at this point walks are okay. She also said, flippantly, that I could stop working. I replied with, “I wish!”. I knew if she thought that I should, she would have said something more towards the effect of writing me out of work. I took her comment to mean more like quitting my job. Well, obviously unless I won the lotto, that’s not an option.  But I’m going to start going on walks each day and see if I feel like that helps with managing my stress.

After talking with my cousin and my boss, I’m reminded (yet again!) that I should be giving this to God. Danielle pointed out that God has already provided for us in this situation, considering Tim has earned some paid time off to be able to be home with me for a week after the baby is born. And Jamie, who knows very well how I hold onto stressful things, reminded me I just need to let things go and give them to God. I thought I was since I had been praying that if I learned that I have to have a c-section that God give me a peace about it. But in hindsight, I was asking for a specific scenario. I’m such a control freak. I need to give it ALL to God, just not what I want to give up to Him. Thankfully, God has placed people in my life to remind me of how big HE is J

So besides letting go of the things I have no control over, I did decide that I will talk to Dr. Graham about my concerns regarding Tim’s work schedule and having someone available to watch Kaydriana and see if she’d be willing to just go ahead and schedule me a C-section. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

On a totally different note, yesterday operation, “Potty Train Kaydriana” commenced. After having her diaper-less for an hour and her sitting on the potty, then getting up and dancing and singing, she started peeing on the floor and I quickly got her onto her potty where a few drops went in. The potty started singing (as it’s designed to do when deposit is made) and I tried to explain to Kaydriana that was a really good try. I don’t think she really gets it, but we’ll keep at it!