Mortality

I don't know what it is recently, but the thought of my mortality has hit a fever pitch. I suppose it's just part of my normal, "worse case scenario, need to plan for everything" over-thinking self. Leading up to my trip to Arizona with Tim, I had a sudden realization that if something happened to us, nobody would know what to do with our kids and finances. We have not made a will yet, and know it's something that responsible parents should do... we just haven't. So the night before our flight, I wrote down everything I could think of. It almost felt morbid, and I had to remind myself that most likely we'd be just fine, just needed to make sure we had important account information, passwords, etc. accessible to a trusted source. I was moved to tears when, at the end of this documentation, I left a little note for our kids. Then, I texted LaSheika to tell her where she could find this information, if we didn't happen to make it back to our children. The other day I was driving to the gym and got a call from my doctors office regarding test results. Since I had already accessed my test results online the week before, I was surprised that I had two missed calls from my doctor. That alone got me a little anxious. I called and during the time it took to get someone on the phone, I had prayed and tried to convince myself that it was nothing. They probably just wanted to tell me over the phone all my tests came back normal. Then, when the lady finally found my file and said she saw my notes, then read them quietly to herself for about 30-seconds she then asked if she could place me on hold. Okay... that wasn't good, but again, I was praying and telling myself that everything was fine. But then I was on hold for a very long time. I decided to pull over because I could feel myself getting emotional. She gets back on the phone and her tone is different. She said that she was trying to page the doctor, but had not been successful and I'd have to wait for a call back. I couldn't stand it any longer so I said, "Okay, you're making me really nervous, can you tell me if I have anything to be concerned about!?" She replied with a somber, "I'm sorry, but I'm not medically trained. You'll have to wait for a call back.". That set me over the edge and I started to cry. I called my sister. I didn't want to call Tim and have him worried about anything if it was nothing. His co-workers wife was just diagnosed with cervical cancer. I composed myself enough to drive into work. I was praying that everything was fine, but then those moments of weakness and the worse case scenarios popped into my head, "I have cervical cancer and I am dying and my children will not have their mother, I wont see my kids get married and I won't be a grandma, and... and..." While I don't want to die before I'm old and grey (wait, I already am...I guess I mean before I can see my grand babies) I'm not scared of dying. I know I'm going to heaven and there is peace and joy in that. I guess that is an easy thing to say so flippantly because I am not dying right now. But I really do believe I'll go to heave... just don't know for sure if I'll be scared of dying. I finally get a call an hour and a half later and I'm not dying. I just have to make sure I get a pap every 12 months. When I eventually did talk to Tim about everything, of course he thought I over-reacted and is not concerned about anything. Since the passing of my dad, I've been mindful of what I want left behind for my kids. A record of memories is the most important to me, and considering what a picture nazi I am, I have no doubt our kids will know how much we loved them. The photos, videos, and of course my blog, hopefully will bring my children comfort if the worst does happen. Okay, on to more fun topics: what the kids have been up to! Kaydriana started school in November. She loves it and always talks about her friend "Mason" who she says they will have a slumber party... eh... dont think so honey. I had the opportunity to help out in her classroom yesterday (with Lake) and they had their little Valentine party. I just love watching Kaydriana interact and learn at school! She does have difficulty with letter recognition and I've been trying to help her at home. I made her write all the Ks and Ms on her Valentines and I love seeing the joy in her face when she "gets" it. Kaydriana's current favorite things are doing puzzles and collecting and playing with Shopkins. These silly little overpriced things that hardly any stores have in stock. Thank goodness for Amazon. Hopefully she'll be out of that phase soon. Lake went pee in the potty at least twice (I haven't gotten confirmation from the nanny that it's happened more than that). I just don't think Lake really wants to be ready. The first time he did it, he had gone 4 hours without going potty so I stood him front of the toilet and made him drink water and after Kaydriana washed her hands, pee started going in the toilet! My biggest goal was to show him how easy it could be. Elisa had a similar experience when she got Lake to pee. But as far as him communicating to us when he has to go, that hasn't happened. I know it will happen eventually, but not having to pay for diapers anymore will be such a wonderful thing! When Tim and I returned from AZ after being gone for 3 days, it was as if Lake grew up overnight. He talks a lot more and more clearly. Unfortunately his new thing to say is to call people poopy butt. Awesome. As for Tim and I, we've been really good. We both realize that marriage takes work and we're both putting in the effort. I think it helps that we've had a lot of dates lately. We just celebrated Valentines last night and had an amazing dinner and then did this Urban Float pod thing. It was incredible! Such a fun night together!