Nursing

Not knowing for sure if Lake will be my last baby, I really want to make sure I capture the memories and feelings of my favorite parts of being a mother to a baby. I certainly didn’t take for granted these precious times when Kaydriana was a baby, but I knew I’d have the opportunity to experience baby stuff again.

So that said, I really want to record how amazing breastfeeding my children is.

I nursed Kaydriana until she was 12.5 months old. I don’t recall all the details, but towards the final weeks, I was really only nursing her right before bed. I loved our routine! I’d feed her, sing her a couple of songs and lay her in her crib. She was sleep trained, so she and I would cuddle, but she would stay awake and when I laid her down, she’d suck away on her pacifier, looking up at me contently as I closed her door behind me.

With my boy, our routine is different. I haven’t been successful in sleep training him. Mostly because I haven’t been able to do the cry it out with him. Being home at night by myself while Tim works and the fact that I didn’t want to wake Kaydriana up, I really didn’t feel like I could let Lake cry. I should have just stuck to it and dealt with the possibility of Kaydriana waking up due to her brother’s wails while I was on maternity leave, but I didn’t. And now Lake will cry forever! I feel stuck with having to nurse him to sleep and when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he is unable to self soothe and will just cry and cry. And now that I’ve created this habit, I can’t simply go in and rock him for a few moments to settle him down. He smells milk and will only calm down with nursing. He will fall asleep within moments at the breast! Not every time, but most times.

His sleeping habits aren’t really the reason for this post, but certainly it plays a huge role in my breast feeding experience with him.

Lake is funny, when I nurse him, he hits, smacks or scratches me. I don’t know why, it’s not like he is trying to beat me up, but it’s like he can’t stop moving. Of course, that makes me think he could have inherited his daddy’s ADHD, but only time will tell. If I try to feed him with Kaydriana around, forget it! He always has his eyes and ears ready to see his sissy. If she comes around me when I’m feeding him, he rips away to look at her. That becomes very messy, and a bit painful! But sometimes, he’ll hold onto my fingers and just look up at me. I can’t describe the love during those moments.

I love that he hungrily goes after the breast. If I get him into position and am too slow with getting it to him, he squeals, grunts, and smacks his lips. I love it! However, now that he has teeth, he tends to bite down when he is done. My poor nipples! Today they feel like they did when he was first born – ouch!

Early on with feeding both of the kids, I’d get this crazy surge of hormones that would make me feel extremely giddy right before my milk let down. It’s super weird, but it’s an awesome feeling. I still get that occasionally, but pretty rarely now.

The worst part of breast feeding is that in order to keep it up, I have to pump at work. Pumping is the worst!! I know there are moms who exclusively pump, and I’m sure they have their reasons, but ugh… I hate it! Of course, the fact that I have to do it at work, in a cold closet and clean the equipment in the lunch room, really isn’t enjoyable.

My BFing goal with Lake is to make it longer than I did with Kaydriana. However, I do look forward to getting my body back, just to me. Between the time I finished nursing Kaydriana, to getting pregnant with Lake, I only had 4 months “to myself”. I look forward to being able to diet or eat what I want, or take supplements, without worrying how it will effect my offspring. In the meantime, I will not take any of these precious moments for granted. 

First day home from the hospital, nursing Kaydriana

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Love it when he holds onto mommy

Love these moments

Slow Down, Boy!

Wow! Lake has had a crazy last two weeks! My little over achiever has started to

stand, pull himself up to stand, climb, clap, give kisses, babble, and if that wasn’t enough to accomplish in two week’s time, he popped out his two bottom front teeth!

Poor guy, he’s having a hard time with teething. Kaydriana had a hard time with each tooth too and I was really hoping my little guy was going to tolerate it better. Nope. At least with Kaydriana we knew when a new tooth was going to pop because she wouldn’t sleep well, she’d get a runny nose and a slight fever. Well, with Lake, he was never a stellar sleeper, both kids have had a runny nose for a while and he was never feverish.

The kids and I were at my sister’s on Saturday and the sun was coming in through one of her windows. Lake was babbling and I got a real good glimpse of his bottom gums and saw those two white suckers just at the surface. I couldn’t feel them, but I could see them. I was sooo excited! I can now feel that one has really broken through. I can even tell while nursing, no bueno! He is clamping down and pulling… as you can imagine, it doesn’t feel pleasant!

Now that Lake is so mobile, we’ve had to re-introduce the baby gate at the top of the stairs. That creates an annoying issue because Kaydriana can’t come and go as she pleases. We haven’t had to put one at the bottom of the stairs, but that will be coming soon and that will really create issues with Kaydriana, especially with her potty training.

I had a really tough mommy moment on Saturday. Tim had been called in for last minute overtime (which we really need to take advantage of when possible) and would need to have a quiet house in the morning after he got off work. Since “two small children” and “quiet” do not go together, we were going to head to my sister’s house to hang out for a few hours. The morning started off well. I had Lake take his first shower with me and he LOVED it! He wanted me to put him down so he can crawl around and play and loved the water.  (Side note: I can now see that the showers I’ve gotten to enjoy by myself the past few months are a thing of the past) I even got Kaydriana to take a bath. But as soon as I tried to get them dressed, get myself dressed and get out of the house, things went down hill.

I got Lake in his car seat and he began to scream. I only had a few things left to take care of before leaving the house which were getting Kaydriana’s jacket and boots on, grabbing shoes for myself and warming up my car since everything was frozen. I run out to start the car and get back to find that Kaydriana locked me out. I hear Lake screaming, which is making me feel anxious because Tim is sleeping, so I have to run back to the car (our assigned spot is a bit of a trek) get my keys and come back to find Kaydriana had unlocked the door. She was supposed to be putting on her jacket, instead she has a muffin in her hand. Lets just say, I lost it.  I’m too ashamed to share more than that. And to put your mind at ease, I didn’t hit her or anything but I know I scared her and as soon as I got both the kids in the car, I took a deep breath and wanted to cry. I told Kaydriana I was sorry for getting mad at her and within moments, she was her normal, cheery self. Since then, I keep asking God to give me patience. I don’t want to lose my cool every time we need to leave the house and I certainly don’t want my daughter to be frightened by me. I definitely felt His answer to my prayers this morning as we had a good morning and although Lake was totally clingy, I just kept my cool and made it to work on time. Although, my hair left something to be desired… you can’t really roll brush/blow dry your hair one handed because you have a baby in the other arm.  

2012 In Review

What better time to look back over the past year than New Year’s Eve?

Tim and I rang in 2012 by getting bundled up (after he woke me up 10 minutes before midnight) and we ran down to the end of the neighborhood and watched fireworks from Seattle and Bellevue.

Between January and May there were snow storms, power outages, we found out the sex of our baby and learned I had placenta previa, I had a few baby showers, some fun celebrations we participated in, we transitioned Kaydriana to her big girl room and bed, had a lot of colds, ate a lot of chocolate, and focused on the upcoming birth of our son. Also, after a few years of seasonal jobs, Tim was hired on as a permanent employee for the Washington State Department of Transportation.

May 24^th, we welcome our precious Lake. His arrival was unexpected, scary, and amazing. One of the best days of my life was waking up, finally home from the hospital, and laying in bed with my son, daughter, and husband eating breakfast from Dennys.

Summer of 2012 will always be known as the BEST SUMMER EVER! In June my sister and her family came to Seattle for a temporary gig, which has now resulted in a permanent arrangement. Unlike my maternity leave with Kaydriana, I was out and about on a daily basis. I chose to keep Kaydriana home with us to save on daycare costs. She loved playing with her cousin and I enjoyed my time bonding with my sister and having her assistance with the kids. We did fun summer things like going to parks, playing in water (the Seattle Center fountain, lakes, splash parks, etc.) and did touristy things.

As the summer winded down and my return to work was approaching, Tim and I took two mini trips to the ocean with the kids. Seaside, OR and Ocean Shores will always hold special memories for our family. One thing Tim and I have never shied away from was getting out and having adventures with our kid(s).

My return to work in October has made me realize how much of a change I want in my life. Although I felt this way a bit with Kaydriana, it wasn’t until having 2 children that I realized how much more time I want to spend being a mommy. Spending all the time I did with them during my maternity leave made me feel fulfilled. Leaving them to go to work everyday makes me feel like there is a void; my passion is my children, not being a big wig at work.

The holidays were a blur, but thankfully they were captured on camera. And as the last weeks of 2012 came upon us, our whole family has experienced illnesses. Three weeks ago it was the stomach flu and currently the kids and I have nasty colds. Poor Lakey got the worst of it and was put on an inhaler, steroids for his lungs, and both kids are on amoxicillin for their double ear infections.

So, due to our sickies, we’ll be bringing in the New Year at home, with just us. I plan on going to bed, having Tim wake me up 10 minutes before midnight and we’ll run over to the edge of the neighborhood to watch the fire works. This time, with a glass of wine J

My hopes for 2013 are that we remain healthy, we get to sell our house and move closer to family and friends and that I get to step down and work part time. I also hope 2013 is the return to sleep year. All of 2012 I have not slept. I want to have energy again! I want to return to the gym. My vow to myself is that when Lake starts sleeping through the night, I will go to the gym at least one day a week before work!

We have one trip planned in March where we plan on visiting Tim’s parents in AZ, attend Mariners Spring Training, and take the kids to Disneyland. I asked for a week off in June in hopes we’ll somehow get to spend our 5 year wedding anniversary in Maui, but that’s probably unrealistic, but a girl can dream!

Many blessings to you and Happy New Year!! 

Our 1st Christmas as a Family of Four

After getting home from Christmas Eve dinner at my Grandma’s, Tim insisted on taking us through Candy Cane Lane in Seattle. We fed Kaydriana candy to keep her awake, but 40+ minutes into our crawl, we decided to abandon that idea.

We got home a bit later than I would have liked since we still had stockings to do and to set out cookies for Santa. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as simple as getting the kids out of the car and into bed. Kaydriana had this nasty chesty cough and when I got her out of the truck and woke her up, she started choking/coughing. So I did what my mom used to do and brought her into the bathroom with me and turned on the hot water. She kept crying, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to”. She thought I was going to give her a bath. Poor thing!

After we get her to bed and Lake to bed, Tim and I did the last minute Santa things and got into bed ourselves.

Both kids ended up waking up in the middle of the night, but I was able to get them both settled down quickly. At about 6 AM, both Tim and I woke up… no kid alarms. We laid in bed thinking we should go back to sleep… but we just waited until one of the kids woke up. First was Lake. I brought him into bed and fed him and then we waited for Kaydriana. When we got tired of waiting, we decided to go downstairs and wake her up. I video taped her, hoping to capture her excitement, but you could tell she just wasn’t herself. It took her a while to get downstairs as she was pretty groggy. She was happy to open gifts and has become very proficient in it! Lakey didn’t know what to do. He enjoyed the wrapping paper and kept trying to get over to his sister’s gifts.

Lakes favorite gifts were his giggle pet thing and his loud, sing song, bright thing daddy got him. Kaydriana’s favorites were Lake’s loud, sing song, bright thing and her camera. She was taking pictures of everything! She even copied me when I set the timer on my camera to take a family picture. So we had to pretend she was taking a family picture with her camera J

We then spent the rest of the day at Tim’s parent’s house. Lake was not his usual self either. Typically, he is very content and can play and entertain himself. He needed to be held and played with and had the hardest time going down for a nap. It certainly was not a relaxing day.

I guess I expected this magical day with a lot of joy and merriment. It wasn’t. It wasn’t a bad day by any means and I loved that between Christmas Eve and Christmas day we had a lot of family time. But, I went to bed feeling like something was missing. I guess my expectations were too high?

The only other idea I had was that to me, Christmas is more than just a day. It’s a season.

And being over worked and under slept (that’s an acceptable term, right? :) ) I just couldn’t get into the spirit of the season. My goal for next year is to not be in the same department/position I am in now. I want the time and the energy to enjoy the holidays. I deserve that and so does my family.

Tim sent me this very sweet email last night while he was at work:

I want to say how great it was to be as a family with our 2 kids and you on Christmas it feels good to be with our family in the morning, the wife I love and the kids, we may not think the same way but my love will never fail. Love you more today then I have ever. Your husband for life, love you

So I guess I’ll end my blog entry with this: I know I have much to feel blessed about. We’re healthy (present colds excluded), we’ve got jobs, a roof over our head, food in the fridge and lots of family and friends. God is good.

12/28 Update- I wrote my entry yesterday (the 27^th), but wasn’t able to post it until today. During my one on one with my GM, she said she will be putting in a request for me to have time off leading up to Christmas. She said I deserve to enjoy the holidays while I have a young family. Then, my director came up and my GM mentioned it to her and she said it sounded like a reasonable request. Ummm… THANK YOU GOD!! :)

Getting So Big!

In the past two weeks, some major growing up has been happening in our household! Two weeks ago, Kaydriana went potty in her potty chair. The next weekend, she went poo in her potty chair! We don’t do too much, “training” during the week since our weekdays are chaotic and daycare is aiding in those efforts. But come the weekend, she is in her big girl panties!

Lake has been getting up on all fours and rocks back and forth. Usually he only accomplishes launching himself forward on his face or pushing himself backwards.

He has also been sitting by himself. On Tuesday, Tim texted me to say that Lake had been sitting up for 15 minutes! He’s now practicing moving from a sitting position back to his tummy, but mostly he falls on his face. He started to army crawl last weekend.

It appears that Lake has developed eczema. It looked pretty inflamed and dry. I’ve been putting anti-itch cream and lotion on his arm and there is a little patch on his face.

So between his teething and I’m assuming, itching, he’s been a bit difficult in the middle of the night the past week or so. He finally did better last night. He woke up a few times, but only twice did I go in to check on him and he went back to sleep. The other time he cried for a few moments and then fell back asleep.

This Sunday, Kaydriana will have her first “performance”. She is singing, “Joy to the World”, and “Away in the Manger” with her other little toddler buddies with the church nursery. We’ve been practicing a lot. I can’t wait to see if she will sing loud, (like we’ve practiced) if she’ll just stand there like a deer in headlights, or if she’ll cry and run off stage. Either way, she should look stinkin’ cute!!

I’m still working 11-12 hour days. Our sales and orders were up 156% compared to last year and we had no way of knowing that was going to happen. We hired 80 seasonal employees and we should have hired closer to 140! Our phone on hold goal is 1 minute, and we were experiencing over an hour long hold times. So while I understand that the management staff needs to work 60 hour weeks, it’s almost killing me.

I know that I don’t deserve any special treatment, but I am the only person in management (including supervisors) who has a little baby and a toddler, and to add to my sob story, a husband that works nights! So my 60 hours is probably a bit tougher than everyone else’s 60 hours. Yup, I’m pretty much, “whoa is me.” At least I own it ;)

But, there are a few things that I’m trying to remind myself: this is just going to last a few more weeks, (even though my holiday season is already ruined)  I have a LOT to be grateful for, and that my joy will be full as I live in His presence. The theme for these past two holiday seasons has been JOY so I was delighted to run into this verse last night:

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand" (Psalm 16:11).

So while I have emotional break downs about twice a week where I’m overwhelmed with life (work, household stuff, lack of sleep and time, my relationships), the fog usually lifts and I can refocus and survive another day, another week, another month, in our current situation. 

A year ago…

I originally created this blog to share my experiences with pregnancy, trying to get pregnant, talking about my kids, etc. Since I don’t foresee another child in our near future, I see my blog evolving a bit to reflect a more broad insight into my life. So, I hope you don’t mind that I’ll be sharing more than just my kids, and complaining about work ;)

I purposefully didn’t share on here much about what was happening to my family this time last year as my dad’s final days approached. It was a year ago yesterday that we got the call from hospice that my dad’s health had changed and that if we wanted to be with him to come now. I knew when I visited him the month before, that it was going to be our last time seeing each other here on this earth. However, my step mother, Rene was there and my sister, who had just landed home in Southern California, promptly got in her car and sped (got a speeding ticket!) to be by our dad’s side.

I’ve always been the kind of person who puts meaning in a lot things, and one of those things is time passing. Like, I feel it’s significant that a year ago today, my dad was still alive. This Saturday, the 8^th will be one year since his passing. We’ve gone through the “firsts” without him. The first birthday that I don’t hear, “Happy Birthday Sweetheart” or read on the check he always sent that says that in the notes section. And there was the first Easter and Thanksgiving where I usually talk to dad on my way to Tim’s family’s house.

I’m so glad that I’ve kept voice mails from my dad so I can hear his voice. When somebody is smoking a stinky cigar, I immediately think of him. I know there will be the opportunity that some guy will be wearing the cologne that my dad used to wear and I will be grateful and sad.

We buried my dad on my 31^st birthday. It was an interesting day full of emotion. Growing up, my mom did an awesome job of making our birthdays special. We didn’t have to do chores that day, we woke up to a present on the end of the bed, and just the whole day was amazing. We grew up pretty poor, but my mom always made us feel special. Some say it might be immature that I want to feel like I am special on my birthday, but that’s just the way it is. I’ve done the same thing for my daughter’s first 2 birthdays and I’ll do it for both of the kids’ birthdays for as long as I’m alive (or they’ll let me).

Going back to my dad’s funeral, I wanted to feel special, but at the same time I didn’t. I just wanted to focus on my dad and forget about my 31^st birthday. My family did do dinner and cake for me and my step sister got us party hats. I loved that they cared enough to do that for me.

So… this year, my 32^nd birthday we are wine tasting on the 8^th. I’m glad that my sister will be here. It will be a celebration for another year, but we both will be thinking of my dad. And then on my actual birthday, 12/12/12, I’m going to be getting my brows done, lunching with my cousin and sister, and then getting a massage. Afterwards, Tim took the night off so that we can take the kids to see the lights at the Bellevue Botanical Gardens.

I know that I will never forget the day my dad died or the special day we buried his ashes in his beautiful garden, but life does go on and I’m happy to be celebrating my upcoming birthday with some of my favorite people. 

A Bad Day

I feel like I should share how bad my day was yesterday. Not that I’m ready to laugh about it yet, it’s almost comical how everything that could go wrong, did.

It started off bad from the night before. I worked until 8 and had to park super far away from the house, which if you can imagine, is not great when trying to get a 2.5 year old and 5 month old loaded in the car. Of course, once I walked up to my door, the guy parked right in front of my house drove off.

The next morning, yesterday, was extra cold, like windows frosted over, get your ice scraper out, cold. Of course, I didn’t notice this until I was ready to leave the house to get my car to move it closer to the house. So I get to my car, realize I need an ice scraper. Problem is, I haven’t had to use an ice scraper in many, many months. So I look around in my truck. No ice scraper. I drive blindly(ish) to my door and run upstairs, wake Tim and find my big truck ice scraper. I ignore the note that has been placed on the door as my reminder…

Get the kids loaded up and pull up to daycare...

(Oh, and let me not forget that I had ran out of coffee pods. Which meant, no artificial energy… okay, back to my story.)

...I reach over to grab Lake’s milk. Then it hits me. I forgot his milk and diapers, which was the reminder on the door as daycare had run out. I contemplated just dropping them off and letting daycare figure it out, but decided not to make my problem their problem. After all, I had to leave some of Lake’s breast milk at work, due to working late the night before, so I had to stay up later and pump so he could have enough milk for the next day, which I LEFT AT HOME. Aggg.

So, I put my seatbelt back on, make a u-turn and as Kaydriana starts crying because she doesn’t understand why we’re leaving, I start crying. I slept horribly (which is nothing new), still hadn’t had my coffee and now I was going to be late for work, which meant I would have to park offsite again.

When I got to work, I check my bank account to find a charge on my account from JustFab, which is a shoe website advertized on tv. Their commercial finally convinced me to try it out while I was on maternity leave. I thought I had done a good job reading the fine print. Uh uh. When I called their customer service to ask about this charge, they say that while there are no membership fees (which I recall reading) they do charge my account $39.95 each month which creates a credit on my account to use at anytime. So when I tell the lady, who was clearly reading through a “fabulous” script, that I want to cancel this and I want my account to be credited, she tells me she couldn’t do that. I asked again and she said that while she can cancel my account, the credit would remain and I can use it at anytime. So basically, I’m forced to buy a pair of shoes. Now if this was for face cream or something, I might have escalated and gone to management. But lets face it, I’ll end up using that credit at some point. But I definitely feel stupid being suckered, considering I manage a .com business….

I had planned on getting my car from the park during lunch so that I could go to the store and buy more coffee. So I run over to the building across the street in my heels and catch the shuttle. As the driver is pulling away I let her know that I need to be dropped off at the park. She tells me they don’t go there. I told her that I had been dropped off on Tuesday, she said they aren’t supposed to and she can drop me off at her last stop, which is approximately .5 mile or so to walk to my car. As the realization came to me that I was wearing heals and it was freezing cold outside, I told her, “I wasn’t really prepared to have to walk as I’m in heels and it’s cold outside.” She flat out ignores me!

So as I typically do when I’m mad, I start crying. But there is a bus full of people so I’m trying not to lose it. I get off at the last stop, and I start bawling. Like audibly crying. Down the street. Through the mud. With no tissue.

I get to my truck, cry a bunch more, then drive to the store to get my coffee. I get to the coffee aisle, and start looking for my coupon that I had clipped two nights before, which I knew I had put in my purse. I can’t find it anywhere. Of course, cuz why should anything go the way I want. However, I get back in my car, go to put my cash back into my wallet. And the stupid coupon is sitting right there!!!

Get back to work and I head to the bathroom so that I can do something with my face. When I realize that there is no way that I can not look like I had been crying, I grab my purse to walk out. Something had fallen out. And it doesn’t just fall out. It floats under the counter. So I have to get all the way down and almost crawl to get the paper that fell. I grab it, crumple it as I curse it, and shove it back in my purse.

So while I realize that nothing was, “end of the world” bad, my ability to handle these stupid things was non- existent. But I feel typing this out and sharing with others is very therapeutic!  :)

Skip to today, where it started off fantastically, because last night, after reading my gripes on facebook, an ex employee of mine offered to let me have her employee of the month parking spot for the rest of the month. I didn’t have to stress trying to leave my house extra early and it just went smoothly all day. I also got to have lunch with my sister and nephew. And, I got to have my coffee too!