Graduation

My baby graduated pre-school today! And it might shock you, but I did not cry. I was, however, impressed by all she has learned! During her ceremony, she and her class sang three songs. She was the loudest singer and one of the most animated with the movements. She signed the alphabet, said the colors and counted to ten in Spanish and knew all the shapes. She kept waving hi to me and Miss Elisa in the audience (and yawned a lot). Tim, unfortunately, misunderstood the time the graduation was and he thought he would have time to go to a physical therapy appointment and still make it to the graduation. We were both disappointed he missed it, but Kaydriana didn't seem to notice.

 I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I'm most in awe at my kids' learning. I love seeing their little minds developing and the new things they say and do. Lately Kaydriana has been recognizing letters, and especially loves Ks. She asks me what words start with and when she sees a letter she recognizes, wants to be reminded of the sound it makes. I'm a bit sad school is ending for her, but come September when she is in full day Kindergarten and in before and after daycare, she will have plenty of opportunity to learn and grow. I love some of the things she says and asks me because I get a chance to explain things to her and see if she understands. The other day she asked why the moon is following us :)

 Last week during my "stay-cation" I spent about a combined total of 2 hours sitting in the bathroom with Lake. He only peed once. He can't quite seem to tell when he has to pee. So we tried that for about three days or so, but since he was sick and feverish for three days, we didn't get as much time for training. However, yesterday, Elisa had him in underwear (since he asked to sit on the toilet before I left for work - with no results) and when he was outside playing he ran in yelling he had to pee and he got on the toilet and peed! Well, finished peeing. So there is progress! I am constantly reminded by how blessed I am that I have two very sweet and loving children. Not only do I hear it from others, but to witness their kindness makes me really proud to be their mom. There are definitely moments that pop up that make me think I could be a better a mom, but the love my kids show to me and others reminds me I'm doing an okay job.

 Tim and I celebrated 7 years of marriage last week. We didn't do anything extravagant. We had a kid free Friday night and Saturday and picked them up on Sunday. On Saturday we spent the whole day together and went to our friends' pool. It was a fun and relaxing time. On the actual day of our anniversary, Tim had to work that night and Lake was really sick, so it was just a normal day. Tim and I had another kid free weekend this weekened when the kids went to my moms. They swam, played in mud, took a wagon ride and got thoroughly spoiled. Tim and I went out to dinner and got some projects done around the house.

 As far as work goes for me, I'm working on a few things in the pursuit of a promotion. In the short term, I'm hoping to become the next HR manager, and in the long (but not too long) future I'm hoping to become a GM. I'm really excited and happy with work right now and I have a pretty exciting vision for myself. Goals have always been my biggest motivation, so I'm excited to see where that leads!

Kaydriana is turning 5!!

Whether it's correct or not, I've called Kaydriana a toddler up to this point. So when the random grocery store cashier makes small talk, I reference "my two toddlers". But in 2 days I will have a 5 year old!! I just found the video(s) I made my dad from when she was born. It really doesn't feel like 5 years have passed since she was place in my arms. One of my mommy friends said our kids' birthdays are bittersweet, and that is completely true. I'm overjoyed at seeing Kaydriana blossom into this young lady, but it's so easy to get melancholy that the baby stage is gone. Kaydriana has really enjoyed preschool this year and we're all registered for full day kindergarten come fall. I was a little worried at first that she was not picking up on recognizing letters, but just the last couple of weeks she is pointing out each K she sees and last night it was an S. I love the "mature" things she says now too. I can't think of any specific examples at the moment, but sometimes when she is talking, I just sit there in awe of what just came out of my little girls mouth. She is learning and growing right before my eyes! Tim and I have decided that we are 100% sure we are done with trying to have more kids (but I would welcome an accident! ;) ). So I am really, really trying to enjoy the baby-ness that Lake still has in him. Thankfully, he still asks me to carry him, "Like a baby" from sissy's bed after story time to his bed. However, I would REALLY be okay if he stopped needing diapers! Kaydriana's birthday falls on Mother's day, so we are going to be celebrating her birthday, along with my mom's, on Saturday. We are taking them to my friend's horse stables so Kaydriana can ride a horse. We are excited! And then the kids' joint party will be on Saturday the 16th of May. The theme is Pirates and Princesses :) Perfect for my little Pirate and Princess!

Mortality

I don't know what it is recently, but the thought of my mortality has hit a fever pitch. I suppose it's just part of my normal, "worse case scenario, need to plan for everything" over-thinking self. Leading up to my trip to Arizona with Tim, I had a sudden realization that if something happened to us, nobody would know what to do with our kids and finances. We have not made a will yet, and know it's something that responsible parents should do... we just haven't. So the night before our flight, I wrote down everything I could think of. It almost felt morbid, and I had to remind myself that most likely we'd be just fine, just needed to make sure we had important account information, passwords, etc. accessible to a trusted source. I was moved to tears when, at the end of this documentation, I left a little note for our kids. Then, I texted LaSheika to tell her where she could find this information, if we didn't happen to make it back to our children. The other day I was driving to the gym and got a call from my doctors office regarding test results. Since I had already accessed my test results online the week before, I was surprised that I had two missed calls from my doctor. That alone got me a little anxious. I called and during the time it took to get someone on the phone, I had prayed and tried to convince myself that it was nothing. They probably just wanted to tell me over the phone all my tests came back normal. Then, when the lady finally found my file and said she saw my notes, then read them quietly to herself for about 30-seconds she then asked if she could place me on hold. Okay... that wasn't good, but again, I was praying and telling myself that everything was fine. But then I was on hold for a very long time. I decided to pull over because I could feel myself getting emotional. She gets back on the phone and her tone is different. She said that she was trying to page the doctor, but had not been successful and I'd have to wait for a call back. I couldn't stand it any longer so I said, "Okay, you're making me really nervous, can you tell me if I have anything to be concerned about!?" She replied with a somber, "I'm sorry, but I'm not medically trained. You'll have to wait for a call back.". That set me over the edge and I started to cry. I called my sister. I didn't want to call Tim and have him worried about anything if it was nothing. His co-workers wife was just diagnosed with cervical cancer. I composed myself enough to drive into work. I was praying that everything was fine, but then those moments of weakness and the worse case scenarios popped into my head, "I have cervical cancer and I am dying and my children will not have their mother, I wont see my kids get married and I won't be a grandma, and... and..." While I don't want to die before I'm old and grey (wait, I already am...I guess I mean before I can see my grand babies) I'm not scared of dying. I know I'm going to heaven and there is peace and joy in that. I guess that is an easy thing to say so flippantly because I am not dying right now. But I really do believe I'll go to heave... just don't know for sure if I'll be scared of dying. I finally get a call an hour and a half later and I'm not dying. I just have to make sure I get a pap every 12 months. When I eventually did talk to Tim about everything, of course he thought I over-reacted and is not concerned about anything. Since the passing of my dad, I've been mindful of what I want left behind for my kids. A record of memories is the most important to me, and considering what a picture nazi I am, I have no doubt our kids will know how much we loved them. The photos, videos, and of course my blog, hopefully will bring my children comfort if the worst does happen. Okay, on to more fun topics: what the kids have been up to! Kaydriana started school in November. She loves it and always talks about her friend "Mason" who she says they will have a slumber party... eh... dont think so honey. I had the opportunity to help out in her classroom yesterday (with Lake) and they had their little Valentine party. I just love watching Kaydriana interact and learn at school! She does have difficulty with letter recognition and I've been trying to help her at home. I made her write all the Ks and Ms on her Valentines and I love seeing the joy in her face when she "gets" it. Kaydriana's current favorite things are doing puzzles and collecting and playing with Shopkins. These silly little overpriced things that hardly any stores have in stock. Thank goodness for Amazon. Hopefully she'll be out of that phase soon. Lake went pee in the potty at least twice (I haven't gotten confirmation from the nanny that it's happened more than that). I just don't think Lake really wants to be ready. The first time he did it, he had gone 4 hours without going potty so I stood him front of the toilet and made him drink water and after Kaydriana washed her hands, pee started going in the toilet! My biggest goal was to show him how easy it could be. Elisa had a similar experience when she got Lake to pee. But as far as him communicating to us when he has to go, that hasn't happened. I know it will happen eventually, but not having to pay for diapers anymore will be such a wonderful thing! When Tim and I returned from AZ after being gone for 3 days, it was as if Lake grew up overnight. He talks a lot more and more clearly. Unfortunately his new thing to say is to call people poopy butt. Awesome. As for Tim and I, we've been really good. We both realize that marriage takes work and we're both putting in the effort. I think it helps that we've had a lot of dates lately. We just celebrated Valentines last night and had an amazing dinner and then did this Urban Float pod thing. It was incredible! Such a fun night together!

When God says, "Yes"

This past week, I’ve been feeling totally un-deserving of upcoming possibilities, humbled by God's grace and promises, and weak and overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. The Seahawks game against the Broncos almost broke me. While I can say the past 6 months has been full of uncertainty and worry, I feel like everything this past week has come to a head. We are due to close on our home in 3 weeks, I went through my second interview for the manager position, and we received our 3rd complaint regarding the noise from our children at home. At the start of the Seahawks game, I felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I felt slightly dizzy. On my fridge at home I have the verse, "My grace is sufficient; for my strength is made perfect in weakness. -2nd Corinthians 12:9" I had found this verse for a friend of mine whose child was born with disibilities (talk about keeping things in perspective!) But I had no idea how much that verse would be my daily reminder that it's okay for me to feel weak because that is when I need to rely on God the most. My prayer through all of this uncertainty (promotion, house, neighbor complaints) that even if God's answer was no to any of this, that we would be taken care of. We'd still have each other, a roof over our heads, and food on our table. Afterall, not everyone even gets that. But... God said YES! to one of the most pivotal goals we were hoping to accomplish. I just learned this morning that I was re-promoted to manager. As I write this blog entry, I have not told anyone! It's a very hard secret to keep, but my boss hasn't told anyone yet either, so I can't talk to anyone at work. I'm going to wait to tell Tim tonight when I get home. This is a huge deal for our family! It will allow us to afford the house we're hoping to close on in 17 days, give our AMAZING nanny a much needed raise, and God willing (and Tim willing too!) be able to have our third and final baby. This will also mean less time with my family. Becoming a salaried manager means more hours... but not as much as it was in Ecommerce. Also, Membership is completely different than Ecom. While there will be more stress versus the zero work stress I have now, I'll be able to do the manager things I love to do and miss doing. Coaching and mentoring employees, hiring, promoting agents to supervisors, leading, teaching, etc. My old boss that is now my new boss again once told me that it's not about the quantity of time, but the quality of time. And as I've mentioned in a previous post, I have a great "village" that provides my kids love, learning opportunities, adventures, etc. I will always try to be the best mom I can be while also being a wife and a manager at Costco ;)

Pins and Needles

We have two major life events that may or may not happen in the next few weeks. Not having a crystal ball means lots of deep breaths, prayers and relying that God will see us through whatever the outcomes. This weekend we are looking at houses in Maple Valley with our agent. We have our loan approval, but we are waiting for the official word that we qualify for the down payment grant. This is a grant that will provide us our down payment without having to pay it back. Our lender thinks we should be qualified, but we thought we were supposed to hear by Wednesday. It's now Friday at 230 PM and we still haven't heard. We'll move forward with looking at the houses on Saturday, but we won't be able to put in offers until that is cleared up. In this market, thats a bit scary because its a pretty competitive market and things go fast. The other life altering event that I hope works out is my friend put in his notice of stepping down as manager as of November 1st. His job posting goes out Tuesday, and I'll be putting in for it. My brain tells me that I'm the obvious choice and my General Manager and Director have both told me they want me back as a manager, but there is this doubt lingering inside of me. Nothing is set in stone and I'm not guaranteed anything. Here's how all of this ties together: In order to qualify for this grant, it's based off of what Tim and I make currently. Once I get promoted, I'll make too much to qualify. However, if I don't get the promotion, we won't be able to afford a new house right now. (Well, not the house we want) I am SOOOOO bored and over qualified for my current position. I am so grateful for the opportunity to step down and I've learned so much about myself and have an improved work/life balance. But I need a challenge and I'm so on fire for being a manager again. I have this renewed passion for work that I feel like I am stifled every day! I need this change in a bad way! AND... we have got to move out of our apartment. It's been such a nightmare living there! The small space, old appliances (and lack thereof) and old smell was bad enough. But then you add the nosy neighbor who thinks we're too loud during the daytime and has complained to management (and reprimanded Kaydriana right in front of me!) and the scary brother of the lady who lives underneath us. Which, by the way, works at the corporate office of Costco too and has not given me the time of day. Weird - she doesn't even acknowledge my presence. I've tried to say hi to her a few times, but she purposefully avoids me. Maybe because she is embarrassed because of issues going on a weekly basis at her apartment. Fights, parties, smoking, cops coming (twice), threats being yelled at other neighbors, him sleeping in our laundry room, etc. So, with everything - Tim and I feel like prisoners in our own home. The kids can't be kids and they are being punished for things they shouldn't be punished for like bouncing a ball. We're constantly shooshing them and putting them in time out. Kaydriana wets the bed at night at least once a week. It's really been a nightmare. We want to give them the house they deserve. A safe place to play where Tim and I can enjoy our family together instead of making outside time feel like a chore. We would also like a big enough home where we can host holidays with our families instead of always splitting them up or renting a place for the kids' birthday parties, or relying on good weather. So, before I could finish up this post, Tim got a delivery at work.... We have our pre- qualifications!!! We're getting our new house!! Praise The Lord! Now praying the financial part is put to rest and I get the manager promotion. And you know what's next after house and promotion? Our next big life event: baby #3! ( God willing!)

Supermom Lifts Two-ton Car Off Her Children

I had one of the scariest moments I have ever experienced as a parent yesterday. Everything turned out ok, but for the 10 seconds that felt like 10 min, it wasn't. We were at Tim's family reunion at a lake his aunt lives on. Kaydriana and Lake were so excited about going out on the boat and were even eagerly waiting their turn to go tubing. We had four pre-teen cousins go first and had no issues. When it's Kaydriana's turn, she jumps from the boat to the tube like a champ. Then Lake and I got on with her. We took some pics and were all smiles for the kids first tubing ride. I had my arm protectively around Lake, but Kaydriana was holding her own handles. After-all it was going to be a gentle ride and we had our life jackets. As soon as the line got taught, something wasn't right. Water started coming over us and we heard a snap. All of a sudden, Lake and I were heading head down to the bottom of the Lake (I realize now that this is an exaggeration, but it didn't feel that way at the time) and I didn't know where Kaydriana was. This is when the ordeal felt like 10 min, not the few seconds it actually was because of everything that went through my head. Over 20 years ago my family and I witnessed my 2 year old cousin die of a boating accident. While I was outwardly as calm as possible to save my children, I was freaking out inside. As Lake and I were head down I remembered that instinctually you'll float up in water (I forgot we were wearing life vests). So I stopped flailing, opened my eyes and saw the tube over us in the direction of our feet. I got us turned around. I then thought how I had to get Lake to air because he cannot hold his breath. The tube was covering us and I couldn't see the end to swim out from under it. I still had my arm around Lake's body and with my free arm and one leg, I pushed that thing away from our heads and we were finally above water. I look over and Kaydriana's legs and arms are flailing and the tube is over her head. I get to her, still clinging onto Lake who is screaming, and push that thing off of her and get her upright like I had three arms. Two of the older kids are now in the water with us trying to offer help, but I wasn't letting go of my babies! That's when I realized Lake has part of the rope loosely wrapped around his neck. At that moment, it reminded me of an umbilical cord and I swiftly got it off of him. I handed Lake 1st to my sister in law and Kaydriana was crying saying she wanted out! It was finally her turn. They are both still crying, but getting wrapped and hugged in towels. As I pull myself out, I hear that the cause of this ordeal was a snapped rope. Why couldn't it snap while the older kids were riding first?  Tim's cousin kept apologizing and I told her not to apologize, she did nothing wrong, accidents happen and we're ok. Meanwhile the adrenalin is now pumping through me and am shaking, and so are my kids, although it's 90 degrees out. Tim's cousin was also still socked. When she felt the snap and looked back, she couldn't see the three of us and it terrified her. She said as she got the boat turned around she saw me pop out of the water with both kids wrapped in my arms like I was supermom. So what felt like a lot of effort and time getting my kids' head out of water, appeared like I had super strength and speed! :) Kaydriana breaks our trance and says she wants to see daddy so we ride back to our dock. I kept telling the kids how brave they were and that what happened, usually doesn't happen. I couldn't convince them to try again hours later (although they did jet ski with daddy) . Kaydriana kept calling me her saver and hero while Lake kept telling people we went bump bump. The rest of the day, we made the most of it and a lot of fun, but I felt like I could bust into tears at any moment.  I kept a smile on my face for the kids and didn't want to make anyone feel bad. But I did dream about it last night and my stupid imagination went to places it shouldn't. I keep thanking God we're ok. The stupid thing is, had it just been me, I wouldn't have a second thought about it, but kids make you wimps and heroes all at the same time.

Perspective

I haven't done an entry in so long, I don't even know what to share, because there is just so much! Since this blog is primarily about my children, I'll start with them.

I can't believe Kaydriana just turned 4 on Saturday! Kaydriana is such a comedian! When I look at the potential careers my children can have based on their current talents, she can absolutely be a performer! She is funny, clever, theatrical, and brave. She is also exceptionally kind and sweet (when she's not purposefully fighting with her little brother). The other night I was looking through pictures when we visited dad the Easter before he passed and I started bawling. She turned around and asked me what was wrong and then came over and gave me a big hug. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I missed my daddy. She told me he was upstairs (referring to Tim). I I laughed and told her that is her daddy, but that my daddy is in heaven. She stayed close to me and when I put her to bed she asked me if I was still sad. And then the next morning as I was getting ready to walk out the door she asked me if I still missed my daddy. She absolutely has a heart for others and I cannot wait to see her love and compassion shine through as she gets older. She is enrolled in Preschool for the 2014-2015 school year and she gets to go with her best bud, Everett. Oh and I cannot forget what has consumed our lives for the past 5 months - Frozen! Kaydriana is a huge fan and, "Let it Go" is a song sung almost daily at our house :)

Lake is certainly a boys boy. He's rough and tumble and loves to swing the bat at balls, play catch, and kick balls. Just like his sissy, he has no fear - hence both my children are constantly covered in bruises! Lake is finally starting to talk. At his 18 month appointment I was a bit worried because he could hardly (kinda) say 10 words/sounds. He's now saying more words and copies words, even if it's only me who understands them.He is telling me he "I too! " (He loves me too) often and I just adore his little language :) He does get frustrated easily, so we're working on that, as well as listening. Lake is also turning out to be a little comedian. Last weekend we were at my cousin's daughters' birthday party and Lake was hamming it up, mocking a sad/mad face and then batting his eyes, making quite the show of it! Kaydriana - not to be outdone, started singing Let it Go. Love my silly kids!

In other news, we're finally putting the house on the market. It's bitter sweet. This home is where we started our family in. We love our neighborhood and the location. The kids are both old enough now where playing outside with them is enjoyable, especially when our neighbors, the Denistons join us. But with our home being in the Arch program, we're basically glorified renters, but with a tax break because we are home owners. With me stepping down and making way less money and tax purposes, this is the right time to get out of our house. We're planning on getting an apartment so we can pay off debt and save money for a down payment for our 15-20 year home. This week our focus is getting our house staged. We're going through stuff to get rid of or put in storage and will be painting this weekend. Our goal is to have it on the market, Monday 5/19.

Speaking of this weekend, we will be throwing the kids a join birthday party on Saturday. They are young enough that we will be throwing them joint parties until they are old enough to say they don't want that anymore. The weather forecast keeps changing, so I'm a little stressed about having an outdoor party. But hopefully this is the last birthday part that our house is too small to host inside.

As for work, it's okay. I'm at the point where the exploratory part of creating my position is accomplished, so I'm usually quite bored. For the month of May, I am overseeing our department's Children's Hospital Fundraisers. That's giving me a bit more to do at work, but I am ready to get back into the management saddle. I now report to the Director in Yakima and we go way back. I shared with him how so much has changed with me personally that I am really ready to get back into management. He told me he was happy to hear of my aspirations and that he thinks I was a great manager and that I have a charisma that people enjoying working with and for. He was going to share our conversation with our bosses so that when a manager position comes available, that they know I want it.

Over the past several months, I've gained some good perspective. One is what I pretty much new, but needed to prove it to myself: It's not that I don't enjoy working full time, it's that if I'm going to be away from my family for 10 hours a day, I want to be doing something that I feel is worthwhile. Managing in my old department was not - And clearly they couldn't pay me enough to stay. I was miserable! I am much happier now, but I am fully capable of taking on more. I love the hustle and bustle, I love feeling like I'm making a difference, that I matter. I didn't feel that way in my old position. From my vantage point, I see so much that needs to happen, and i want to be that person to make it happen. I have a renewed focus and energy and want to be a manager again. I'm really going to take advantage of my no stress position and enjoy my summer and easy schedule because I'm sure this will be my last one like this.

 

I am truly grateful that I've had this opportunity and have enjoyed spending more time with my family. A piece of encouragement I received when I was pregnant with Kaydriana from my past boss was that you may not get as much time with your family as you want, but when you do, make it quality time. I've found that more time doesn't equal quality. I find myself losing my patience because lets face it, an almost 2 and 4 year old aren't always the easiest especially when they are "bored". They don't necessarily need MORE time with me, they need more stimulation, playing and learning, which they get with Elisa and their friends. I'm sure I'm not being clear, but basically what I'm saying is, I want to love on them, cherish my time with them, teach and encouragement them, but have come to the realization, especially with Kaydriana starting school - I'm not the only one that has to provide them with entertainment and learning/playing opportunities.

 

Well, I'm sure I still didn't make what I'm trying to share easy to understand, but thats all I have time for. Kaydriana is laying here in bed with me and we're both hungry for breakfast. I'm hoping it won't take another 5 months for an updated post :)