When God says, "Yes"

This past week, I’ve been feeling totally un-deserving of upcoming possibilities, humbled by God's grace and promises, and weak and overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. The Seahawks game against the Broncos almost broke me. While I can say the past 6 months has been full of uncertainty and worry, I feel like everything this past week has come to a head. We are due to close on our home in 3 weeks, I went through my second interview for the manager position, and we received our 3rd complaint regarding the noise from our children at home. At the start of the Seahawks game, I felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I felt slightly dizzy. On my fridge at home I have the verse, "My grace is sufficient; for my strength is made perfect in weakness. -2nd Corinthians 12:9" I had found this verse for a friend of mine whose child was born with disibilities (talk about keeping things in perspective!) But I had no idea how much that verse would be my daily reminder that it's okay for me to feel weak because that is when I need to rely on God the most. My prayer through all of this uncertainty (promotion, house, neighbor complaints) that even if God's answer was no to any of this, that we would be taken care of. We'd still have each other, a roof over our heads, and food on our table. Afterall, not everyone even gets that. But... God said YES! to one of the most pivotal goals we were hoping to accomplish. I just learned this morning that I was re-promoted to manager. As I write this blog entry, I have not told anyone! It's a very hard secret to keep, but my boss hasn't told anyone yet either, so I can't talk to anyone at work. I'm going to wait to tell Tim tonight when I get home. This is a huge deal for our family! It will allow us to afford the house we're hoping to close on in 17 days, give our AMAZING nanny a much needed raise, and God willing (and Tim willing too!) be able to have our third and final baby. This will also mean less time with my family. Becoming a salaried manager means more hours... but not as much as it was in Ecommerce. Also, Membership is completely different than Ecom. While there will be more stress versus the zero work stress I have now, I'll be able to do the manager things I love to do and miss doing. Coaching and mentoring employees, hiring, promoting agents to supervisors, leading, teaching, etc. My old boss that is now my new boss again once told me that it's not about the quantity of time, but the quality of time. And as I've mentioned in a previous post, I have a great "village" that provides my kids love, learning opportunities, adventures, etc. I will always try to be the best mom I can be while also being a wife and a manager at Costco ;)

Pins and Needles

We have two major life events that may or may not happen in the next few weeks. Not having a crystal ball means lots of deep breaths, prayers and relying that God will see us through whatever the outcomes. This weekend we are looking at houses in Maple Valley with our agent. We have our loan approval, but we are waiting for the official word that we qualify for the down payment grant. This is a grant that will provide us our down payment without having to pay it back. Our lender thinks we should be qualified, but we thought we were supposed to hear by Wednesday. It's now Friday at 230 PM and we still haven't heard. We'll move forward with looking at the houses on Saturday, but we won't be able to put in offers until that is cleared up. In this market, thats a bit scary because its a pretty competitive market and things go fast. The other life altering event that I hope works out is my friend put in his notice of stepping down as manager as of November 1st. His job posting goes out Tuesday, and I'll be putting in for it. My brain tells me that I'm the obvious choice and my General Manager and Director have both told me they want me back as a manager, but there is this doubt lingering inside of me. Nothing is set in stone and I'm not guaranteed anything. Here's how all of this ties together: In order to qualify for this grant, it's based off of what Tim and I make currently. Once I get promoted, I'll make too much to qualify. However, if I don't get the promotion, we won't be able to afford a new house right now. (Well, not the house we want) I am SOOOOO bored and over qualified for my current position. I am so grateful for the opportunity to step down and I've learned so much about myself and have an improved work/life balance. But I need a challenge and I'm so on fire for being a manager again. I have this renewed passion for work that I feel like I am stifled every day! I need this change in a bad way! AND... we have got to move out of our apartment. It's been such a nightmare living there! The small space, old appliances (and lack thereof) and old smell was bad enough. But then you add the nosy neighbor who thinks we're too loud during the daytime and has complained to management (and reprimanded Kaydriana right in front of me!) and the scary brother of the lady who lives underneath us. Which, by the way, works at the corporate office of Costco too and has not given me the time of day. Weird - she doesn't even acknowledge my presence. I've tried to say hi to her a few times, but she purposefully avoids me. Maybe because she is embarrassed because of issues going on a weekly basis at her apartment. Fights, parties, smoking, cops coming (twice), threats being yelled at other neighbors, him sleeping in our laundry room, etc. So, with everything - Tim and I feel like prisoners in our own home. The kids can't be kids and they are being punished for things they shouldn't be punished for like bouncing a ball. We're constantly shooshing them and putting them in time out. Kaydriana wets the bed at night at least once a week. It's really been a nightmare. We want to give them the house they deserve. A safe place to play where Tim and I can enjoy our family together instead of making outside time feel like a chore. We would also like a big enough home where we can host holidays with our families instead of always splitting them up or renting a place for the kids' birthday parties, or relying on good weather. So, before I could finish up this post, Tim got a delivery at work.... We have our pre- qualifications!!! We're getting our new house!! Praise The Lord! Now praying the financial part is put to rest and I get the manager promotion. And you know what's next after house and promotion? Our next big life event: baby #3! ( God willing!)

Supermom Lifts Two-ton Car Off Her Children

I had one of the scariest moments I have ever experienced as a parent yesterday. Everything turned out ok, but for the 10 seconds that felt like 10 min, it wasn't. We were at Tim's family reunion at a lake his aunt lives on. Kaydriana and Lake were so excited about going out on the boat and were even eagerly waiting their turn to go tubing. We had four pre-teen cousins go first and had no issues. When it's Kaydriana's turn, she jumps from the boat to the tube like a champ. Then Lake and I got on with her. We took some pics and were all smiles for the kids first tubing ride. I had my arm protectively around Lake, but Kaydriana was holding her own handles. After-all it was going to be a gentle ride and we had our life jackets. As soon as the line got taught, something wasn't right. Water started coming over us and we heard a snap. All of a sudden, Lake and I were heading head down to the bottom of the Lake (I realize now that this is an exaggeration, but it didn't feel that way at the time) and I didn't know where Kaydriana was. This is when the ordeal felt like 10 min, not the few seconds it actually was because of everything that went through my head. Over 20 years ago my family and I witnessed my 2 year old cousin die of a boating accident. While I was outwardly as calm as possible to save my children, I was freaking out inside. As Lake and I were head down I remembered that instinctually you'll float up in water (I forgot we were wearing life vests). So I stopped flailing, opened my eyes and saw the tube over us in the direction of our feet. I got us turned around. I then thought how I had to get Lake to air because he cannot hold his breath. The tube was covering us and I couldn't see the end to swim out from under it. I still had my arm around Lake's body and with my free arm and one leg, I pushed that thing away from our heads and we were finally above water. I look over and Kaydriana's legs and arms are flailing and the tube is over her head. I get to her, still clinging onto Lake who is screaming, and push that thing off of her and get her upright like I had three arms. Two of the older kids are now in the water with us trying to offer help, but I wasn't letting go of my babies! That's when I realized Lake has part of the rope loosely wrapped around his neck. At that moment, it reminded me of an umbilical cord and I swiftly got it off of him. I handed Lake 1st to my sister in law and Kaydriana was crying saying she wanted out! It was finally her turn. They are both still crying, but getting wrapped and hugged in towels. As I pull myself out, I hear that the cause of this ordeal was a snapped rope. Why couldn't it snap while the older kids were riding first?  Tim's cousin kept apologizing and I told her not to apologize, she did nothing wrong, accidents happen and we're ok. Meanwhile the adrenalin is now pumping through me and am shaking, and so are my kids, although it's 90 degrees out. Tim's cousin was also still socked. When she felt the snap and looked back, she couldn't see the three of us and it terrified her. She said as she got the boat turned around she saw me pop out of the water with both kids wrapped in my arms like I was supermom. So what felt like a lot of effort and time getting my kids' head out of water, appeared like I had super strength and speed! :) Kaydriana breaks our trance and says she wants to see daddy so we ride back to our dock. I kept telling the kids how brave they were and that what happened, usually doesn't happen. I couldn't convince them to try again hours later (although they did jet ski with daddy) . Kaydriana kept calling me her saver and hero while Lake kept telling people we went bump bump. The rest of the day, we made the most of it and a lot of fun, but I felt like I could bust into tears at any moment.  I kept a smile on my face for the kids and didn't want to make anyone feel bad. But I did dream about it last night and my stupid imagination went to places it shouldn't. I keep thanking God we're ok. The stupid thing is, had it just been me, I wouldn't have a second thought about it, but kids make you wimps and heroes all at the same time.

Perspective

I haven't done an entry in so long, I don't even know what to share, because there is just so much! Since this blog is primarily about my children, I'll start with them.

I can't believe Kaydriana just turned 4 on Saturday! Kaydriana is such a comedian! When I look at the potential careers my children can have based on their current talents, she can absolutely be a performer! She is funny, clever, theatrical, and brave. She is also exceptionally kind and sweet (when she's not purposefully fighting with her little brother). The other night I was looking through pictures when we visited dad the Easter before he passed and I started bawling. She turned around and asked me what was wrong and then came over and gave me a big hug. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I missed my daddy. She told me he was upstairs (referring to Tim). I I laughed and told her that is her daddy, but that my daddy is in heaven. She stayed close to me and when I put her to bed she asked me if I was still sad. And then the next morning as I was getting ready to walk out the door she asked me if I still missed my daddy. She absolutely has a heart for others and I cannot wait to see her love and compassion shine through as she gets older. She is enrolled in Preschool for the 2014-2015 school year and she gets to go with her best bud, Everett. Oh and I cannot forget what has consumed our lives for the past 5 months - Frozen! Kaydriana is a huge fan and, "Let it Go" is a song sung almost daily at our house :)

Lake is certainly a boys boy. He's rough and tumble and loves to swing the bat at balls, play catch, and kick balls. Just like his sissy, he has no fear - hence both my children are constantly covered in bruises! Lake is finally starting to talk. At his 18 month appointment I was a bit worried because he could hardly (kinda) say 10 words/sounds. He's now saying more words and copies words, even if it's only me who understands them.He is telling me he "I too! " (He loves me too) often and I just adore his little language :) He does get frustrated easily, so we're working on that, as well as listening. Lake is also turning out to be a little comedian. Last weekend we were at my cousin's daughters' birthday party and Lake was hamming it up, mocking a sad/mad face and then batting his eyes, making quite the show of it! Kaydriana - not to be outdone, started singing Let it Go. Love my silly kids!

In other news, we're finally putting the house on the market. It's bitter sweet. This home is where we started our family in. We love our neighborhood and the location. The kids are both old enough now where playing outside with them is enjoyable, especially when our neighbors, the Denistons join us. But with our home being in the Arch program, we're basically glorified renters, but with a tax break because we are home owners. With me stepping down and making way less money and tax purposes, this is the right time to get out of our house. We're planning on getting an apartment so we can pay off debt and save money for a down payment for our 15-20 year home. This week our focus is getting our house staged. We're going through stuff to get rid of or put in storage and will be painting this weekend. Our goal is to have it on the market, Monday 5/19.

Speaking of this weekend, we will be throwing the kids a join birthday party on Saturday. They are young enough that we will be throwing them joint parties until they are old enough to say they don't want that anymore. The weather forecast keeps changing, so I'm a little stressed about having an outdoor party. But hopefully this is the last birthday part that our house is too small to host inside.

As for work, it's okay. I'm at the point where the exploratory part of creating my position is accomplished, so I'm usually quite bored. For the month of May, I am overseeing our department's Children's Hospital Fundraisers. That's giving me a bit more to do at work, but I am ready to get back into the management saddle. I now report to the Director in Yakima and we go way back. I shared with him how so much has changed with me personally that I am really ready to get back into management. He told me he was happy to hear of my aspirations and that he thinks I was a great manager and that I have a charisma that people enjoying working with and for. He was going to share our conversation with our bosses so that when a manager position comes available, that they know I want it.

Over the past several months, I've gained some good perspective. One is what I pretty much new, but needed to prove it to myself: It's not that I don't enjoy working full time, it's that if I'm going to be away from my family for 10 hours a day, I want to be doing something that I feel is worthwhile. Managing in my old department was not - And clearly they couldn't pay me enough to stay. I was miserable! I am much happier now, but I am fully capable of taking on more. I love the hustle and bustle, I love feeling like I'm making a difference, that I matter. I didn't feel that way in my old position. From my vantage point, I see so much that needs to happen, and i want to be that person to make it happen. I have a renewed focus and energy and want to be a manager again. I'm really going to take advantage of my no stress position and enjoy my summer and easy schedule because I'm sure this will be my last one like this.

 

I am truly grateful that I've had this opportunity and have enjoyed spending more time with my family. A piece of encouragement I received when I was pregnant with Kaydriana from my past boss was that you may not get as much time with your family as you want, but when you do, make it quality time. I've found that more time doesn't equal quality. I find myself losing my patience because lets face it, an almost 2 and 4 year old aren't always the easiest especially when they are "bored". They don't necessarily need MORE time with me, they need more stimulation, playing and learning, which they get with Elisa and their friends. I'm sure I'm not being clear, but basically what I'm saying is, I want to love on them, cherish my time with them, teach and encouragement them, but have come to the realization, especially with Kaydriana starting school - I'm not the only one that has to provide them with entertainment and learning/playing opportunities.

 

Well, I'm sure I still didn't make what I'm trying to share easy to understand, but thats all I have time for. Kaydriana is laying here in bed with me and we're both hungry for breakfast. I'm hoping it won't take another 5 months for an updated post :)

If I knew then, what I knew now...

You know when you’re a young adult, finally, on your own… before you own a home, are married, have kids, etc? And you think you have it all figured out?

And you are adamant about things you would or would never do. For example, you would never buy a fake tree! Nothing can replace the adventure of cutting down your own tree and your house smelling like fresh pine. And you say things like, “I’ll never be like my mom who loses patience with my kids”. Oh and my favorite, “I’m only getting married once!”.

And then… you grow up.

In my early twenties, I thought I had it all figured out. Love, life, career, and that the future was in my hands, AKA: in my control.   There is this sense of pride that hey! I’m successful, I’m engaged, I’ve made something out of my life and I have all these high standards and I’d pass judgment onto others, often onto those that I loved.

I started to get my, “head out of a$&” when, in the middle of Georgetown, Grand Cayman, I hit one of the lowest lows of my life and went through one of the hardest years I’ve ever experienced. That was 2006.

2008, I was madly in love, got married to the love of my life, bought a house and was expecting our first child. 1.2.3. I was doing things in the right order. Then we miscarried.

The next few months my trust in God grew as I could no longer trust my body. I couldn’t heal myself faster, and I couldn’t will myself pregnant. I had to wait and have faith in God.

Eventually those prayers were answered and we entered parenthood. I had a great job that now didn’t fit my desire for well balanced work/family life. It took a long time to realize there are more important things than, “being successful”,  making lots of money to afford nice things and being able to go on nice trips – you know those things that really only matter to those FB “Friends” that don’t really know you anyway?

Entering into this new stage in life leaves me feeling really reflective as I’m finding a new identity. Stepping back at work, which is allowing me to make more time at home with my family is a process. My first two weeks in my new position have gone well, but there are little hurdles that come with no longer being the woman in charge. I have to remind myself that all of those trivial things I’m missing out on don’t matter in comparison to the time (quality time!) I get with my family.

I’ve truly had two of the best work weeks I’ve had in years!

And you know what else? This die-hard real tree lover, is in love with her fake Christmas tree! 

The End...

Before you read, please know this is mostly post about breast feeding. There, you’ve been warned ;)

I realized last night that it has now been a week since I last nursed Lake. So I guess that is the end of our special little arrangement. We officially made it 16.5 months. I knew I wanted to do extended breastfeeding (past a year) but wasn’t sure exactly when I wanted to stop, other than knowing I didn’t want to go past October.

I’ve had some bumps in the road with nursing Lake. The most painful was when he had thrush (yeast infection) in his mouth and passed it along to me. That was painful!

Then the biting. Oh boy! I knew his incoming teeth were hurting him, but mommy is not a good teething toy! Then as he got older, holding him at the right angle would cause strain on my neck and shoulders (already a sensitive area for me) and he nursed with such force that it was painful. Lets not forget about the hitting and slapping me and getting frustrated when my supply had dropped.

But even with those little bumps, I loved every minute we had together. My favorite moments were when I was putting him to sleep. Our routine for almost a year was, I’d get off of work, take him upstairs, change his diaper, get his PJs on then nurse him to sleep. It was my down time and my connection time with Lake. I didn’t let Kaydriana fall asleep at the boob because I didn’t want her to be dependent on that being the only way she’d go to sleep, but with Lake, I treasured this little routine of ours. And ultimately, Lake now goes to sleep on his own, so I don’t regret my choices.

Two weeks ago, I was getting to the point where I could go 24-48 hours with nursing him. I felt like I didn’t really get to say good-bye, so I tried to call him over for one last nursing session. He was ignoring me, so I undid my nursing bra strap (which has a distinct sound) and he looked right at me, got the biggest smile on his face and literally squealed in delight as he ran over to me. I’ll never forget his joy!

I ended up feeding him one last time after that when he woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t get him to calm down. He was finally soothed and went back to sleep and that was a week ago.

I really think we could go longer, but I wanted to quit for selfish reasons. I want to change my BC, (many birth controls affect your supply) I want to start dieting, and really want to stop wearing those awful nursing bras of mine!

Lake hasn’t tried to nurse the last couple of days, but I do have to be careful when we’re showering because he has latched on to me when I wasn’t prepared! So I’ll have to be mindful of being exposed!

End Breastfeeding Post

Lake is talking and babbling so much right now. He’s added a few words to his vocabulary, but I think only Tim, Elisa, and I can decipher his little language. He now says, “first down!”, “Balloon”, “banana” along with the words he was saying before. He now uses “Mama” and “Dada” more frequently and is really good at signing, “more” and “please” consistently.

Kaydriana is dressing and redressing herself throughout the day. Even if I can manage to get her dressed before I leave for work, she is always in a different outfit when I get home and it generally involves a tutu or a princess dress. Next week, we should be able to get her enrolled into dance class.

As for me, the details have been worked out and my last day as a manager is Saturday, November 30^th. – Side note, looks like I’ll be working a 12.5 hour day that day L

I’ve really received some warm comments and many people saying how proud they are of me for making this transition for my young family. Many successful women have even told me they did something similar in their career and when their kids got older, they focused on their career growth again. My favorite comment came from an 18 year employee who said I was the best manager he has ever had. He’s gone through many managers during his career, so I take this as a very meaningful compliment!

42 days! 

Family Over Money

I’ve been thinking for a while how I wanted to write this blog entry. I realize it’s mostly my closest loved ones who read my blog, and many know of the conflict I’ve been faced with since becoming a mom 3 years and 4 months ago. But for the sake of reflection, clarification, and maybe being able to help someone else out in my situation, I wanted to post this.

I grew up poor. I grew up with more challenges than most kids in America do- from not knowing where I’d be sleeping next week, to not knowing where we were going to get our next meal, not knowing when I’d get shoes without holes in them, or if I was going to be safe from predators… Bottom line, if I was going to be successful in life, I had an uphill battle.

Thankfully, I had a very loving extended family that always came to our/my rescue before things got desolate. I also accepted Jesus as my savior when I was young, so I always had a reason to hope, believe and strive for a better life.

I truly believe God had a plan for me and lead me to the direction that I went in life. After the army rejected me (there went my college plans) and with my family getting evicted from our apartment right after high school graduation, I made the decision to move to California to have an opportunity to develop a relationship with my dad and his family. After 6 weeks, I moved back to WA and was so grateful my Aunt and Uncle gave me a place to stay. Next stop was a job. I had a high school friend that worked at Costco and at the time, they had the highest starting wage, $8!

November 11^th, 1999, I got a seasonal job in the bakery at the Aurora Village Costco in North Seattle. This was the first time in my life that my livelihood depended on my work performance, and I did not disappoint. I was only 1 of 2 people offered a permanent job after seasonal period had ended. Unfortunately, that was in the food court, and I knew I did not want to sling hot dogs for a living! At that time, I had moved in with some friends who worked at the warehouse and they had heard about an opening in the Call Center. Long story short, I got a job as a customer service rep in May of 2000. Before a year had passed, I had been accepted into the Supervisor in Training program and was offered a permanent supervisor position. I thought I was rich! 19 years old making about $40K! Fast forward a couple of years and I got promoted to manager at the age of 24. I’ve now been a manager for about 8 years. I won’t share how much I make a year, but it’s more than most people I know.

Since I was 18, I was recognized/rewarded for my hard work, dedication, and leadership abilities. I was so proud of my accomplishments. I have allowed myself to be defined by my job title. Actually, not just allowed, insisted that people understood how important I was and what I had accomplished.

When I became pregnant with Kaydriana, so many people asked if I would quit to stay home with her. I guffawed! There was no way I was quitting! I was going to be a successful working mom. I had always wanted to become a parent, but I was “big boss lady” at work, and there wasn’t anything that was going to change that.

Then she came. She changed my world! The first moment she laid on my chest and I just cried with joy. I was a mom. I wasn’t “big boss lady, Kristiana”. I was “mom”. Over the next 3.5 months, I tried to figure out if there was any way that I could possibly stay home and be with her forever. Unfortunately, short of winning the lottery that wasn’t a possibility.

I entered the world of going to work each day, leaving my heart at home. It took a while, but I finally adjusted to the reality that I had to remain in my current position/pay at work to make ends meet. About a year after my return, I found out I was pregnant again. I fully anticipated being able to make some big changes to my career after the birth of our son, because no way could we afford day care ($2310 a month!) for two kids. Turns out, I couldn’t afford not to. But if I thought it was hard leaving Kaydriana for 45+ hours a week, it was doubly hard to leave both kids. My first day back was 10/1/12.  For the past year, I haven’t been home to cook my family dinner or eat with them. I’ve rushed them out the door each morning and within minutes of walking in the door at night, I was putting Lake to sleep. I run a marathon from 530 AM to 830 PM each day, with the majority of that time with not nearly enough sleep.

Now here we are today: Tim has finally reached his goal of working for the city of Bellevue where the pay and the possibilities are much better. With his better pay, and the fact that in one month, we’ll be almost completely out of debt, I get some freedom with my choice of position at work.

I would very much like to be able to go part time, but we’re not quite there yet. However, I am able to take a step down to a supervisor position, which I’ve negotiated with my bosses to become affective in January (Shhhh… this has not been shared with anyone else at work). My pay will be cut by more than half of what I make now, but my responsibilities will be much, much less. I will be able to work just 40 hours a week, take breaks and lunches, leave my work at work, not wake up to anxiety, not have to answer to employees or members, not have to work 12 hour days during the holidays or bad weather, get off earlier, not have to read my work emails at home, not have to come in when I’m sick, and have more quality time with my family. I’ll be home in time to make and eat dinner with my family and not work on the weekends.

For nearly 11 years I had worked so hard to move up as quickly as I could in the company. Now my greatest role and my greatest passion is being a mother to my children. It’s a difficult mindset for me to no longer be the boss, but since making this decision official a few days ago, I feel the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I have a joy and an outlook that I haven’t had since I can remember.

With Tim and I both now having good paying jobs, I know I’m stepping away from financial security, being able to purchase nice clothes, getting my hair done, affording vacations, and spending money freely. But since May 10^th, 2010 my happiness and my fulfillment comes from my role as a wife and mother. Not my job title. We’ll go back to living on a budget, but I know God will provide for us because I finally have my priorities straight J